Foods I Call Bullshit On...

I'm going to be completely honest: I don't have what you'd call a "sophisticated palate". If I had to pick two foods to be stranded on an island with, I would pick Filet-O-Fishes with extra tartar sauce, and tons of beef jerky. Seriously.

While I've eaten at very high-end restaurants in my lifetime, I'd have to say that the extra money spent went towards a good atmosphere and scoring points with my company for the evening. No matter what I eat, nothing compares to the glory of a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish. In fact, every time I have a good meal, I secretly think to myself, "Hmm, what was this meal worth in Filet-O-Fishes?"

What bothers me are people who pretend to be so skilled at determining the quality of various foods and drinks. We all have that one friend who thinks he knows everything about every single red wine. Or the one who can immediately tell if her sushi has ever been frozen, ever. I call bullshit on both of these people and the foods they love so much. Below is a list of bullshit.

Wine
Wine is total bullshit. If I poured you one glass of Cabernet Sauvignon from a hundred-dollar bottle and another glass from a bottle costing several thousands of dollars, you wouldn't know the difference. Yes, you. You, the guy sitting there going, "OMG I WOULD TOTALLY KNOW!" No, you wouldn't. So shut the fuck up. I hate it when people around me sit there talking about that one bottle of shitfuck whatever-the-fuck-year-bottle-from-some-shithole-place-I've-never-fucking-heard-of that they tried a few years ago on a "wine tour". Eat a dick.

Sushi
During college, I worked at a sushi restaurant. We'd regularly get self-professed "sushi connoisseurs" who demanded to know where we get our fish and if it has ever been frozen. I would promptly reply that we have most of our fish brought directly to us from the fisheries, and that they're never, ever frozen. I would further polish it up by saying sometimes we have loads of fish brought to us still live and flopping. Oh man, I'm a great liar. To encourage me to keep up with these lies, I never got caught. What does that tell you? That every single one of these "veteran" sushi-eaters is full of fucking shit? Well, umm... actually yes. You see, every high-end sushi restaurant does in fact freeze their fish. You really think it'd be better to have a warm, rotting fish delivered to the restaurant every morning to sit and rot some more throughout the day? Get a fucking clue.

Gourmet Cheese
Good job, so you've memorized the names and appearances of a few cheeses that you got served to you on a little plate at some wine bar in some fancy neighborhood on some random evening. YOU ARE NOT A CHEESE EXPERT. If I put a whole bunch of cheeses on a plate, blindfolded you, and served them to you piece by piece, you wouldn't be able to tell the crust from my nuts from some fucked up dirty French stuff that grows on horse shit. Here is my rule on cheese: if Subway doesn't give you the option of putting it in your dick-shaped sandwich, it's bullshit.

I'll wrap it up by simply naming other foods/drinks that are bullshit: tea, chocolate, kobe beef, truffles... The list goes on and on and on...