More on the Bailout (Why it Fails)...

So as we all know, the U.S. Government's bailout plan isn't going exactly as planned. In return for receiving this free money from the government, the banks were supposed to, you know, use it to restore liquidity. That basically means they were supposed to go make a bunch of new loans. But, apparently, the banks are instead trying to use that money to buy other banks (OOPS! Didn't see that one coming!).

Here is a nice way to look at what's going on here...

Say you're a kid, you have a bunch of siblings, and you all have antfarms. Yes, antfarms: those little things that young American kids used to play with before the dawn of video games. Now, you're supposed to take care of the ants, but you fucked up real good. In fact, you and your brothers/sisters are all dipshits so you all fucked it all up beyond belief. Now all your ants are dying. Mommy and daddy feel bad, so they decide to give you each $20 to buy food and shit for your ants. But they forgot one very important thing: you are bunch of dipshits. Instead of buying antfood, you're a greedy little troll and so you decide to try to buy one of your brother's farms off of him. Since he's looking at a bunch of dying ants anyway, he gladly agrees and takes that money. Your other brothers and sisters, being dipshits too, all follow suit and soon one of you has acquired all the antfarms and the rest of you run off with your money and buy candy and whatever stuff dipshit kids normally buy. That's fine and dandy, and all these kids are happy. But the ants are not. Why? Because they're dead. And dead ants aren't happy.

If you're a fucking moron and still don't get it, here's the analogy:

Mommy and Daddy = U.S. Government/Fed.
Kids = The banking institutions directly receiving portions of the $700bil + $250bil.
Ants = You, me, the rest of America.

Cracker Jack Prizes

When I was a kid, I used to get bags of Cracker Jacks just for the toy inside. I would do the same for cereal (to do so, I'd eat nonstop from the box the night my mom brought the box home from the supermarket, all the while insisting it's just because I'm hungry). Maybe my standards were just lower back then, but I do recall the little toys sucking a lot less back then. Today, a coworker offered me a bag of Cracker Jacks. Being the mature adult I am, I went straight for the "Prize", and found myself absolutely disgusted at the thin piece of paper inside:


Now, when I was a kid, some of the cracker jacks boxes had a little mini-baseball card inside of some random player who I didn't know existed, so I was hoping this might be one of those. It was a stupid prize to hope for, but something inside me always told me that the said baseball card might be some like super-rare only-found-in-my-specific-box-of-Cracker-Jacks card that was the equivalent of winning the Cracker Jack lottery. I lost all those cards within a few hours anyway, but it didn't matter because of one fact: the prize brought me some form of satisfaction. Other "prizes" included a random little plastic microscope, a piece-o-crap ring, a cheaper than cheap army man guy, a plastic whistle that didn't work, etc. Never once did I receive this paper-prize bullshit I now had in my hand. To make matters worse, the prize says "GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE?" on the outer portion. Why the fuck would I want to do that? Is that Cracker Jack's way of buying time and attempting to trick the poor end-user into thinking that he is in fact enjoying guessing what's written inside of a stamp-sized piece of paper? Maybe playing that little game is part of the prize all-together. I guess it would have to be when what you get is this piece of shit:



Look, Mr. Cracker Jack Chief Prize-Planning Officer, Two homosexual-looking midgets made to look like they're climbing up my pencil is not a prize. To add further insult to injury, the inner-right panel of my "prize" reads "Fun Fact: What most people call the "lead" of a pencil is actually made of graphite, not lead!" Well that's great and all, assfag, but this prize brought me negative 14 minutes of satisfaction. This prize brings me about as much satisfaction as playing one-on-one spin-the-bottle with a pissed-off ninja who happens to be gay.

Why I Hated Santa Claus as a Kid

Little kids believe in some pretty stupid stuff. They also evidently suck at making good decisions. For example, if I knew as a youngster that a hot tooth fairy was coming by with a dollar bill in exchange for my tooth, I would have laid a trap against that tooth so that I'd trap her and do with her what I pleased. I suppose it worked out okay that I was stupid enough not to think of that though, because I wouldn't have liked having to explain to a shocked father stuck in a poorly constructed trap how I was planning on raping the tooth fairy.

... And there I am already off on a tangent. My original story is that as a kid, "Santa" was fucked up to me. There was one year when I woke up and ran downstairs to find nothing under the tree. With my tender head hanging low, I crawled into mommy's room and explained to her that Santa forgot about me. She told me that he probably was just a little late so if I went back to sleep, he'd eventually come. I did, and sure enough when I woke up the presents were there. I guess she forgot to put the presents under the tree before she fell asleep the night before. Then the next year I caught her moving presents from a closet to the tree. Being that she's my mom and I was like four years old, I accepted her excuse that Santa was sick and he had given the presents to her to give to me. But then I quickly caught onto a trend: Santa Claus had no time for me...

Let's take year one. Santa Claus evidently has the power to deliver presents to all the kids in the world on time, but he's late for me only? Did my mom have to call to remind him that I exist? And the next year, he was SICK? Look, if you're fucking Santa Claus, you don't get to call in sick on the one fucking day of the year that you're actually supposed to work. A couple years after that, we left the fireplace on before going to sleep. It only later occurred to me that I had probably killed Santa Claus by roasting him alive in my chimney, but I found relief when I found that the presents were there anyway, safe and sound. That year, I didn't hate him for screwing up my gifts. Instead, I hated him for being a fucking criminal and breaking into our house.

Whatever, fuck that guy. I don't believe in Santa anymore.

America's Obsession with Soy (and Green Tea)...

The past few weeks at work have been incredibly busy and stressful, so I've had little time to think of random shit to complain about. This one isn't so clearly thought out either, but whatever.

While taking a particularly difficult dump at my girlfriend's place over the past weekend, I started picking at random things within arm's reach of the toilet in a desperate attempt to kill time. I picked up a little pink box that's been sitting on top of the toilet reservoir forever. I've seen this box a million times but always figured it was sissy junk and thus my instinctive masculine tendencies caused me to ignore it all together. But this time I was bored, and it's okay to not be totally manly when taking a dump, so I opened it up and found that it was a huge candle. Inside a box. Strange, but that's besides the point. The point is that the box said, among other things, that this was a SOY candle. I thought to myself: Soy candle? Seriously? Is that at all beneficial to anybody?

I find that much of the Western world (i.e., America's hippies, wusses, girly-men, girls, and white people in general) are obsessed with random Eastern products as some type of magical cure to all their problems. How often do you see labels indicating some significant level of green tea or soy content in random irrelevant products? Hint: often. I could have sworn I've seen a shirt claiming that the cotton used to make it was grown using green tea. Don't get me wrong, I love green tea, but only when it's actually used as fucking tea.

Now there are a bunch of websites claiming the benefits of soy in random products. Some of the reasoning makes sense, but some of it is just nonsense. Don't believe me? Google "soy candle benefits" and check one of the many resulting links. One thing you may notice is that a lot of these sites use the exact same list of items, sometimes worded slightly differently. I'd be willing to bet my third testicle that one dipshit made up a bunch of facts, and a bunch of other dipshits followed suit because it's the internet and that makes it a really reliable source of information (On a side note: Why are there so many dipshits selling candles? Is there some lucrative underground candle-selling business I'm not aware of?). The same people that believe these articles are most likely the ones that believe that Bill Gates will send you $11,891.15 dollars for each person you piss off by forwarding some bullshit "tracked e-mail" to. Nevermind the fact that Bill Gates fucking owns Microsoft, and thus Hotmail, and thus can spam every fucking Hotmail user himself if he wanted to. He just has so much money and so little time that he has to send it to you for sending e-mails out for his research purposes. Do you see the problem here? Nobody cares to really think about the facts or do real research.

One really commonly used "fact" you'll find is that "Soy candles don't release any CO² because they're all-natural". Listen, dipshit: if I burn an all-natural rainforest down, it's going to release a whole fucking lot of CO². All these "facts" you see on sites specializing in selling SOY CANDLES probably require a little more justification, wouldn't you say? And who the fuck still uses candles? The light-bulb was invented over a century ago. Your candle is made by people using gas to heat and melt the wax and put it together. That same gas converted more efficiently to electricity to power a lightbulb will probably have a smaller CO² footprint. Before you go scolding the world for not driving a Prius like you (another hot topic of debate), consider the fact that you're probably a moron.

I just have a problem with hippies who don't have a f'ing clue what they're fighting for. End.

(I also just realized that I seem to have this obsession with forest fires as the real root of all our problems... Read the Al Gore article for more of that...)

Lighten up, stop reporting me, get a life, etc...

For the second time since I started it, my blog has again been reported for supposedly being a spam blog. This places a temporary "lock" on my blog until it is officially "reviewed" and approved. I don't think I need to explain how that's a huge pain in the ass.

So to whoever is so upset by my posts that he/she is trying to get me taken down: kiss my ass. Disagree with me via comment, or open your own blog and openly blast mine, or contact me directly, or just stop reading my blog, do whatever you need to do to relieve yourself of the massive pain I've brought upon you... But please quit with the childish bullshit.