The Death Penalty

Some people need to be put to death. No jail sentences, no second chances.

Case in point: Dad raped daughters for 27 years

This is a different case from the Austrian dude who did the same with one of his daughters.

This sick fuck had NINE kids with two of his own daughters, not to mention ten additional failed pregnancies. How does one get so twisted that he can lay a hand (in that manner) on his own daughter?

According to the article, the judge recommends a minimum of 20 years. Seriously? Why in the hell should we even spend pennies of tax dollars to feed this guy and clean the shit from his jail cell? People like this serve no purpose for mankind as a whole, and as such they need to be executed. In a completely inhumane manner, like the electric chair, firing squad, guillotine, death by rape, etc.

It disgusts me that this son of a bitch even breathes the same air I do.

Somali Pirates

Somali Pirates are in the news frequently as of late. According to an article published today, they've made something like $150million in the past year in ransom payments. Further, most of the articles about them seem to state that they know exactly where the stolen ships are docked...

My question is: WHY THE HELL ISN'T ANYBODY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT? I presume it wouldn't take an entirely large operation to wipe out a loosely-banded group of filthy pirates/terrorists...

Twilight

So I'm seeing a whole bunch of Facebook status messages with girls all super-excited about some movie called Twilight? I'm going to be 100% honest when I say I don' know what it's about. To be honest, I've never even heard of it until earlier this week. I didn't bother to look it up on Google or anywhere else. Twilight is gay. Just because I say so, if nothing else.

The Coolest F'ing Dream Ever

Today, I had a really damn tiring day at work. I came home and promptly jumped into bed to sleep like a big, buff, hulking baby. Then I had the weirdest dream ever. It was a complete mashup of a whole bunch of cool dude shit.

There I was on a little rocky cliff about 20 feet above a dirt road in the mountains. My name was apparently Lone Ranger, and I had a Lee Enfield sniper rifle strapped to my back. In the distance, I see a Jeep Wrangler driving by on the road just below me. I get out my sniper rifle and start firing away as it nears. On the third shot, I hit my target, as evidenced by the vehicle veering off the road abruptely and blowing up in the canyon beneath. 

Suddenly, a deep narrative voice in queues in, saying,"The Lone Ranger walked slowly across the ridge, stalking his prey. But darkness was closing in, and the man in the jeep wasn't the only one being watched..." Naturally, I'm acting out the whole scene as the sun starts abruptly setting. Next thing I know, about 50 yards from the edge of the cliff I was standing on, a lion pops up, sees me, and starts charging at me at full speed. Now instead of taking out my sniper rifle and blasting at him, I do the logical/manly thing and jump into a tree. But man, this lion could JUMP. As I jumped from vine to vine (randomly dangling near a deserted mountain road, yes), the lion pursued in all its greatness. I finally get to a safe spot high up in the trees (Can lions climb trees? This one couldn't...) and instead of taking out my trusty gun, I start swinging away at the poor guy with a machete, Rambo style. Then I woke up.

Random post, I know. But that was the most kickass dream I've had in a while.

Other Peoples' Sufferings...

I love watching other people getting in trouble or being hurt. It's such a satisfying feeling watching some douchebag in a souped-up-piece-of-shit Camry flying by you at 90mph, oblivious to the fact that there is a highway patrol officer a few seconds behind him. When those sirens turn on, I squeal like a little girl. When my girlfriend is with me, we high-five each other. Seriously, we sit there staring at the mini-chase unfolding before our eyes, and all manner of conversation ceases as we begin to scream,"COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!!!!" as if watching our favorite team going for a two-point conversion from a single point under with four seconds left in the game (You like that? I sound all manly when in fact I rarely ever watch football.) Then, in an awkard moment of this-is-pretty-gay-but-we-need-to-high-five-right-now, we slap hands like two drunk rednecks shooting beer cans with a shotgun.

Other fun things to watch:
- Cars colliding. Tires being blown out. Tires being blown out leading to cars colliding.
- Out-of-control children running around a grocery store before tripping, hitting their head, and then crying. If their parents promptly scold them (leading to more crying), that's bonus points.
- People walking into things, then nervously looking around to see if anybody noticed. We all noticed, idiot; just because I'm the only one pointing and laughing at you doesn't mean they didn't see it too.
- People falling off skateboards. Maybe I just hate people on skateboards, because the same doesn't apply to people falling off bikes, etc.
- People getting arrested.

Sweet Love Custard Cream

As I was sitting enjoying my breakfast, I was reading over some of the great Engrish written on the packaging of some of my Asian snacks. I uploaded my favorite. (Click on it for a closeup)

What is "love sweet custard cream"? If you ask me, sounds like manjuice. 

Also: Custard is made out of... custard, with some egg added? Does anybody else see an infinite loop here? "Custard is made out of custard, which is made out of custard, which is made out of custard, which is...."

Movie-Memories Destroyed by Stupid Kids

You ever watch something very entertaining on the bigscreen, then a bunch of douchebags trying to make it all-to-clear that they, too, have watched the same movie, run around repeating a couple lines one-too-many times, thus killing your fond memory of the movie all-together (How's that for a run-on sentence)?

Here are the ones I hate hearing the most...

"ACHILLEEEEES!!!"

As heard in: Troy

Yelling this line to yourself, then jumping in the air with your body 45-degrees to the ground, and poking your friend between his neck and his shoulder with your fingers does not make you Brad Pitt. A for effort though.

"THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

As heard in: 300

I don't need to explain this one. It makes you a retard if you've ever uttered this one with even a 1% intent of looking tough.

"I AM YOUR FATHER..."

As heard in: Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

People who don't know shit about Star Wars like to say "Luke, I am your father..." like a bunch of morons. But Darth Vader did not say it like that. After Luke accused Vader of killing his father, Vader responds,"No... I am your father." Yes, that makes me a huge dork for knowing that, but at least I'm not a fucking tool.

"SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"

As heard in: Scarface

In the opening to one of the best drug-movie shoot-out scenes of all time, Tona Montan blows through a door using a rifle-mounted grenade launcher, screaming,"You wanna play rough?! Okay... SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" Now I don't know anything about Cuban accents, but Pacino does it better than anybody else who's since tried to copy him. Now to be completely fair, I'm guilty of uttering this one here and there too, but I know that I don't slaughter it like most douchebags who scream this line.

"I'M RICH, BITCH!"

As heard in: Chappelle's Show

Okay so this one isn't a movie. Any one-liners in Dave Chappelle's ill-fated comedy show should remain on the show. "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" is the same. Nobody laughs when you say this line. Ever. Yet so many people insist on repeating it nonstop. Some people need to be slapped.

Ridiculous "Studies"

You know, I hate reading "studies" that say absolutely nothing. Especially when morons read or hear about those studies, come to some nonsense conclusion, and think they've been enlightened.

For example, we've all heard the one about your chances of getting a ticket being higher if you're driving a red car. It's pathetic how many people believe this is true. Let me break it down for you: you don't see many red Oldsmobiles, Buicks, Hondas, Nissans, etc. The cars you see in red are your Ferraris, your Chevrolet Corvettes, your Dodge Vipers, etc. And you're probably a bit more likely to drive in a "spirited" manner in a Dodge Viper than in a Honda Accord. So, statistically speaking, it may surely be possible that a higher percentage of red car owners like to drive a bit faster and thus have historically gotten more tickets; but simply having a red-colored car does NOT increase your likelihood of getting a ticket. A commonly-related myth is that insurance companies will thus charge more for insurance on a red car. This is also bogus. You can go verify yourself if you want by getting quotes for different colors or simply asking the question. If you want to argue anything up to this point, you're a dipshit.

Back from that semi-tangent, take a read on this article. Basically, some "study" claims that playing violent video games can raise the heart rate on little boys. They try to bring in some big terminology to make it sound more legitimate and professional, to which I'd have to argue that NOFUCKINGSHIT. Really, they needed a "STUDY" to tell them that your heartrate might go up and down when you play an intense video game?

Clearly, the article is intended to make some sort of statement about violent video games. Some retarded mom will find this article in their e-mail inbox and, out of concern for her delicate toddler's cardiovascular health, will refuse to let her son play anything with a hint of violence (i.e., every video game minus Tetris). Let me tell you a whole bunch of activities that'll probably raise your kid's heartrate just a little bit: watching an exciting movie, riding his bike with his friends, eating, pissing, laughing, masturbating, breathing fast, waking up. If your kid can play his favorite "violent" video-game and maintain a metronome-worthy heartrate the whole time, maybe you should take him to a psychiatrist and remove any pointed objects in his immediate vicinity, because THAT would be a future serial-killer.

Look at the article. It took "researchers" from THREE different higher-education institutions to figure this bullshit out? What a load of crap.

Toaster Cars

You know what I'm sick of seeing? Ugly cars. Well, ugly people suck too, but ugly cars are more offensive. Maybe.

Anyway, taste is subjective, so I'm sure those of you who actually like the look of a Chrysler Sebring have your reasons. However, the cars below have no excuses, and I doubt even the drivers think they're aesthetically pleasing. Why? Because they're fucking toasters.

Not a car.

Not a car.

Not a car.

Not a car.

Not a car.

I bet you guys couldn't even tell, but one of those up there REALLY isn't a car. If you drive one of these things, I feel like you might be a lesser human being.

Some Supposedly Great Movies that Sucked

After spending a day going through a debating via comment on a buddy's Facebook note regarding his favorite movies of all time, I decided to shamelessly take a spin on the idea. My hat's off to Jeff for the inspiration.

Below is a list of movies that I feel are overrated beyond belief, along with my reasons why...

The Dark Knight
Look, this movie just wasn't that good. The action was shitty, Christian Bale's over-exaggerated voice was pointless and stupid. Finally, Christian Bale himself is just an ugly homosexual version of Tom Cruise. Admittedly, Heath Ledger's performance was by all accounts brilliant. Still, it's a damn superhero movie (and I hate all of them).

Citizen Kane
I saw this movie once in Junior High during a history class. And again in High School during... a history class. Finally, I saw it a third time in college for... a history class. And each time, I thought this was a horrible movie. Where is all the great acting that people rant and rave about? Did everybody back in the mid-40's really talk like they had a broomstick shoved up their ass? And is there supposed to be some deep meaning when you find out that he was referring to his childhood sled? Some strong moral point that we need to seek true happiness instead of money or something? I call bullshit. This movie survives the top-100 lists simply because old people insist "things were better back in the day" and we trust that their opinions are correct.

The Original Star Wars Trilogy (Episodes IV, V, and VI)
Why do people insist that the original trilogy was better than the more recent Episodes I, II, and III? The action sucked, the lightsabre battles looked like shit, and the story's protagonist was a raging homosexual. Sure, they were free of annoying characters like Jar Jar Binks and the stupid kid actor who played the young Anakin Skywalker. But the acting really wasn't much better than Hayden Christensen's (who I feel is a terrible actor), and the effects weren't nearly as nice. What's that you say? They didn't have the technology back then for fancy-schmancy effects? Well tough-fucking-shit.

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Admittedly, I was drunk while watching all three LOTR movies, but that doesn't excuse how boring they were. These were nine hours of watching four homosexual midgets trying to find a stupid mountain. There needed to be more scenes of Gandalf flying around tearing shit up with his magic beam. Why didn't he just do that nonstop, for nine hours? Also, I forget which movie it was, but one of them had like a half-hour ending sequence of like twelve dudes jumping and laughing in a bed while Gandalf stood there watching them, laughing and smiling. The scene was super fucking bright to emphasize the homosexuality of it all. Stupid. And gay.

Memento
This movie was just confusing as fuck. Every time the flashbacks came, I told myself,"Okay NOW I'll get to watch as we get to the point"... But no, it was just flashback after flashback. By the end, I was throwing popcorn at the screen screaming,"FUCK YOU, let me just watch the damn movie!!!"

Oh the Honesty of our Government!

According to the U.S. Treasury, the government has arbitrarily decided that the original $700billion bailout will not be used for its original purpose of buying troubled assets.

Instead, the government will be using that money to take buy out significant portions of American financial institutions and take over the once-free markets.

Go, America! (No, there isn't a punctuation mistake there. The comma is intentional.)

Gay Ads

While browsing my favorite gadget blogs, I came across this picture. It is apparently an ad to sell the little thing in Russell Crowe's hand there. It's supposed to be some kind of ultra-portable projector device, for all the people who go around randomly projecting shit on walls. But nevermind that: this ad is just plain gay. Why is Russell Crowe holding that thing like he's masturbating with it? Is he projecting porn onto a nearby tree and rubbing one out? I suppose a better question is: why would seeing Russell Crowe laying there looking all cool and manly-like make me want to buy a projector in the first place? Because I'll feel like the Gladiator when I walk around holding one? It makes no fucking sense. And why the dog? Is that supposed to appeal to some other customer base?

Marketing planning room:

"Look guys, we need a great ad that targets all audiences. We've narrowed down our potential markets into two major groups: people who like Russell Crowe, and people who like dalmations."

"Perfect, find me Russell Crowe and let's do a photoshoot."

"This is going to be SOOOOO SUPER EXCELLENT!!"

Jerry Yang, Please Go Home

If you guys follow tech/stock/business/money news at all, you're at least somewhat aware of the on-going Yahoo! saga.

Back very early in this year, Microsoft offered to take over Yahoo! for a pretty penny. At the time, they were offering roughly 160% of what Yahoo! was worth (as you can tell, I didn't look up the numbers again, but it's there). Jerry Yang is the CEO of Yahoo! He is also one of the founders, so he naturally has a lot of pride in the company. But if Yahoo! was taken over, Jerry Yang would no longer have been big man on campus. In fact, he probably would have been given a [fatty] severance package and asked to leave. So he and his cronies, citing ridiculous reasoning about Yahoo!'s supposedly bright future, told Microsoft to fuck off.

After playing every dirty tactic in the book to prevent subsequent takeover attempts by Microsoft and dissident investor Carl Icahn, Jerry Yang has effectively destroyed Yahoo! His whole bit about Yahoo!'s success was apparently banking on a joint advertising venture with Google. Seriously, partnering with the company single-handedly responsible for taking you down in the first place? Talk about bullshit.

You see, I'm pissed because I placed a lot of money on Yahoo!, thinking that no corporate board of directors could be so incompetent and so selfish that they would completely fuck things up this bad. Yahoo! had a sure thing on the table, and Jerry Yang absolutely fucked every single one of his shareholders. Mr. Yang: Yahoo! is a publicly-owned company, you are not the owner. Your job is to make the owners money, not lose them almost their entire investment.

You see, I'd gotten over it and was hoping for the best for the company (I still hold my losing shares). But in more recent news, Google decided to let Yahoo! die out, supposedly to avoid major regulative scrutiny (Google and Yahoo teaming up would form an effective market monopoly, which antitrust laws prevent). What does Yahoo! have now? Nothing, they're FUCKED.

And you can guess what Jerry Yang is doing now: he's coming out and practically begging for another shot with Microsoft. To put in perspective, Microsoft was willing to pay up to $33 per share back in early 2008. Now Yahoo! shares are in the low-to-mid teens, and Microsoft is saying they don't want to make another offer.

Good job, Jerry Yang. You destroyed tens of billions of dollars of shareholder wealth. What a fucking prick.
Just look at the guy. I want to punch him in the dick.

True Obama

I just randomly saw this picture on Yahoo! News front page this morning. Yeah yeah, I'm being petty, but I don't like the way our new President looks in this picture. It's like he's saying,"Tha's right, America, I done fucked yo shit up!" ... In fact, I'm pretty sure that is what he was thinking.

The President

I should have written this post a long time ago, but only when Obama took the Presidency did I find myself angry enough to do this.

I see several problems with Obama. These are problems that only require a tiny bit of thought to understand, problems that you understand when you let yourself think for yourself and not be driven by the slew of liberals (i.e., Democrats) that run sites like Facebook, Digg, YouTube, etc.

Here are my gripes with Obama, in no particular order...

- Obama is black before he is President. Obama is black before he is American. Now, in no way am I promoting racism against African-Americans (or Black-Americans, as Condoleezza Rice would have it), but when the President of the country is so clearly black (and the First Lady a complete racist bigot), it is hard to accept that there will be full partiality in judgment. Keep in mind, friends, that this guy is now the head of the executive branch of America. He is the leader of the free world. What we need is somebody who displays that he is American, period. Obama's early tactics of reaching out first and foremost to African-American communities says droves for what's to come in his term as President. Now, who you vote for is nobody's business from your own. But the numbers show a staggering growth in the number of voters this year, accounted for primarily by the African-American communities across America voting for the first time. Why were they voting for Obama? Because he is black. It's no problem to have some pride in your ethnicity, racial history, and culture, but that is NO WAY to vote for the President of America.

- Obama doesn't have a plan (except for a couple ideas mentioned later). What Obama has are a lot of complaints about America. What Obama has is a smooth tongue. What Obama has is an unparalleled ability to do a contemplative pose for the cameras. Has anybody listened to Obama's ideas for America? He doesn't have any. All he does is claim that he will fix this and that. It is one thing to acknowledge a problem, but that doesn't ensure a fix. With supposed tax cuts across the board and only a tiny fraction of Americans receiving a tax increase, how does Obama propose to fund the processes of fixing EVERY.SINGLE.THING in America? Something's gotta give. Now, I do admit that McCain's ideas are full of holes themselves, but at least he has/had real numbers and goals. Obama has none of that. You see, Obama is a great speaker, and he knows that the best way to gain support is to make people agree with you. Obama very eloquently states very real and very serious problems in America, which Republicans and Democrats alike can agree with. By stating problem after problem, and America responding with "AMEN!" after "AMEN!", Obama builds a connection with the average Joe (not Joe the Plumber, just the regular average Joe). This impressionable person begins to trust Obama, backing him while completely ignoring that the guy has no real plan. Think about what he's saying, learn to cut through the bullshit. The guy has no substance!

- Universal healthcare for every child? Who doesn't have health insurance in working America today? If you work in any decent company, you're provided free or cheap healthcare for yourself and your dependents (i.e., your kids and maybe your wife). Hell, I think even McDonald's provides healthcare. It's something people take into very serious consideration as part of the income that they work year-round for. Now here comes Obama suggesting that every child should have healthcare from the government if their family can't afford it. "The government" in this case equals MY TAX DOLLARS. If I already have health insurance, I shouldn't have to watch as my tax dollars go to a random child's stomach-ache instead of the pothole on the street outside my house. I work hard for this money, and everybody else should work hard for theirs. THAT is promoting the social good.

- Obama proposes raising both corporate and capital gains taxes. Basically, he wants to tax anybody with real money. Let's look at the effects of these. Raising corporate taxes causes a major hit to our economic growth. Taxes are (and there is no better way to word this) stealing income. Think of it this way, if you suddenly paid double the taxes every paycheck, would that possibly decrease your incentive to work? It might. You may figure "screw this, I'd rather just fuck around with my life". Same goes for corporate America. By limiting their income with higher and higher taxes, Obama creates a disincentive to creative output. Nobody wants to run an unprofitable business. What Obama is doing is supporting all the mom and pop shops that are structured as sole proprieterships and partnerships. How often do you choose to shop at the liquor store on the corner of the block for your groceries versus stepping into the nearest Ralph's (Is Ralph's a nationwide chain? Well it's a large supermarket chain in Southern California)? Well raising corporate taxes will start swinging things in favor of that shitty liquor store. Soon we'll all be buying overpriced coats from Billy's Super Coat Outlet instead of Nordstroms. Capital gains taxes are even more interesting (at least to me, as I work within the investment/finance field). Capital gains are what you get by buying something and selling it for more. Capital gains are what you want when you invest in nearly everything. And every large financial institution invests. That's how money grows. That's how they offer you a fatty return on that CD or Statement Savings account you opened after a particularly good night in Vegas. But you see, everything you make is taxed at a certain level. Obama wants to boost that, by some accounts, to nearly double what it is right now. That, again, is a huge turnoff to investing. And large banks and financial institutions will clearly be directly affected by it because it's their fucking JOB to invest that money on behalf of America. That'll trickle down into everything else even remotely related to banks. Mr. Obama: some of us still have retirement accounts that we're trying to grow. Some of us know how to save our money and not expect the government to step in and cover our asses. Some of us work hard to feed ourselves. And those some of us don't want to pay for everybody else's lack of motivation. Knowing that capital gains taxes are an extremely sensitive subject, Obama seems to have gone quiet on this particular issue as of late, but we still know where his intent lies.

I have so many more complaints, but I'll sum it up in one line: FUCK BARACK OBAMA.


EDIT: I think I should have better stated my stance. While I do hate Obama, I hate Sarah Palin infinitely more. In the end, I think both Presidential tickets were worthless, and I opted not to vote (I'm not wasting a vote on a nobody like Bob Barr). Thanks to our anonymous poster for having me clear that one up.

Porn versus Movie Sex Scenes

I'm a dude, and that means that I'm genetically predisposed to liking pornographic films. I wish I could do something about it, but I can't.

But one thing I noticed is that it is a million times hotter to watch a quick sex scene in a movie than it is to watch an actual porno. Why is that? How many times have you [guys] sat around clicking through Hulu or YouTube trying to find a good sex scene, when you already know a great porn site off the top of your head? Is it something about the mystery of only seeing a buttcrack and possibly a nipple in the shadow for like 3 seconds (as opposed to seeing a fully naked chick completely going at it)? Or maybe the more realistic character in an actual movie enables me to better enjoy watching the woman I see in the sex scene (as opposed to her being a teacher who decides that the only way to discipline her failed-6th-grade-14-times student is to reveal that she has no underwear on and have wild sex with him on her desk).

I don't know what it is, but I think I'm going to go browse me some Hulu now.