So recently there's the whole issue of crazy women protesting that Facebook won't allow pictures of them breastfeeding their kids. Some lady has created a Facebook group so that these fucking retarded protesting vaginas can band together. Here is an excerpt, with an excerpt in itself, from CNN.com:
The group, founded by San Diego mom Kelli Roman, urges Facebook to change its obscenity policy. "We expect you to realize that nursing moms everywhere have a right to show pictures of their babies eating, just like bottle-fed babies have a right to be seen," their petition reads. "In an effort to appease the closed-minded, you are only serving to be detrimental to babies, women, and society."
Is this lady for real? Detrimental to babies, women, and society?
1) I think the babies will be just as fine without pictures of themselves sucking on titty.
2) Believe me, there is no negative side to people NOT seeing you breastfeeding your child.
3) Society will do just fine without pictures of YOUR breast with milk dripping out of it.
The only people who are being "detrimentally served" are fucking perverts and weirdos like you.
... So many fucking idiots in this world.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
How Not to Wear Jeans
If you're a guy, you should never tuck your shirt into jeans. Ever. If you find yourself in a situation where tucking your shirt into your jeans is necessary, get yourself out of the fucking situation.
If you tuck your shirt into your jeans...
1) You automatically gain 15 years of age. I'm in my mid-twenties. If I tucked in my shirt, I'd look roughly forty years old.
2) You look fat.
3) You become a huge gaywad.
I rest my case.
If you tuck your shirt into your jeans...
1) You automatically gain 15 years of age. I'm in my mid-twenties. If I tucked in my shirt, I'd look roughly forty years old.
2) You look fat.
3) You become a huge gaywad.
I rest my case.Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Shitty Actors
One of the requirements of being a singer is having the ability to sing. If you're a dancer, you need to be able to dance. A fighter fights, a writer writes, a producer produces, a director directs, etc. With that in mind, can somebody please explain to me how the following Hollywood ACTORS make a living?
Nicholas Cage
In nearly every movie he plays, Nicholas Cage plays an introverted old-guy who (despite his social incompetence) has some uncanny ability to be a badass. In The Rock, he's an introverted old-guy who knows his chemistry; in Bangkok Dangerous, he's an introverted old-guy who knows how to kill; in National Treasure, he's an introverted old-guy who knows how to solve puzzles; in Gone in Sixty Seconds, he's an introverted old-guy who knows how to steal cars. Maybe the casters are to blame for always seeking out Cage for an introverted old-guy role. Or maybe the writers need to stop coming up with introverted old-guy heroes.
Keanu Reeves
Keanu Reeves might be a cyborg. Did anybody find it ironic that in the Matrix series, Reeves's character Neo showed less emotion than the supposedly emotionless machines portrayed by Agent Smith? Or how, as Johnny Utah in Point Blank, he had one facial expression throughout the entire film: intense confusion. In fact, I think that would best describe Keanu's character in all movies: the intensely-confused guy. Bill & Ted, anyone?
Adam Sandler
Admittedly, Sandler's been stepping out of his shell into some more serious acting with movies like Spanglish and The Longest Yard. But the world still remembers Sandler for his usual role as the mildly-retarded, sexually-frustrated weird guy in various movies like The Waterboy and Happy Gilmore.
Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel is the kind of guy who I wouldn't want to be talking trash to at midnight on a poorly-lit street with few bystanders. And that's exactly where he belongs: on a poorly-lit street with few bystanders (at midnight, for full effect). When making a movie, you sometimes run into the need for a slow-talking, fast-acting, "I-ride-alone-and-I-ain't-never-scared" buff-guy who talks in a really deep voice and yells firmly at somebody in a perfect tough-guy manner once or twice during the film. For those times, you call Vin Diesel. For all other times, you hire a real actor.
Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey's role in every single movie plays on his ability to distort his rubbery face into expressions only thought possible on cartoon characters. By contorting his face into these unexpected formations at unexpected times, Carrey has apparently become a comedy star. That got old right about the time I got sick of seeing my parents making sudden funny faces at me (i.e., age 6 months).
Nicholas Cage
In nearly every movie he plays, Nicholas Cage plays an introverted old-guy who (despite his social incompetence) has some uncanny ability to be a badass. In The Rock, he's an introverted old-guy who knows his chemistry; in Bangkok Dangerous, he's an introverted old-guy who knows how to kill; in National Treasure, he's an introverted old-guy who knows how to solve puzzles; in Gone in Sixty Seconds, he's an introverted old-guy who knows how to steal cars. Maybe the casters are to blame for always seeking out Cage for an introverted old-guy role. Or maybe the writers need to stop coming up with introverted old-guy heroes.
Keanu Reeves
Keanu Reeves might be a cyborg. Did anybody find it ironic that in the Matrix series, Reeves's character Neo showed less emotion than the supposedly emotionless machines portrayed by Agent Smith? Or how, as Johnny Utah in Point Blank, he had one facial expression throughout the entire film: intense confusion. In fact, I think that would best describe Keanu's character in all movies: the intensely-confused guy. Bill & Ted, anyone?
Adam Sandler
Admittedly, Sandler's been stepping out of his shell into some more serious acting with movies like Spanglish and The Longest Yard. But the world still remembers Sandler for his usual role as the mildly-retarded, sexually-frustrated weird guy in various movies like The Waterboy and Happy Gilmore.
Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel is the kind of guy who I wouldn't want to be talking trash to at midnight on a poorly-lit street with few bystanders. And that's exactly where he belongs: on a poorly-lit street with few bystanders (at midnight, for full effect). When making a movie, you sometimes run into the need for a slow-talking, fast-acting, "I-ride-alone-and-I-ain't-never-scared" buff-guy who talks in a really deep voice and yells firmly at somebody in a perfect tough-guy manner once or twice during the film. For those times, you call Vin Diesel. For all other times, you hire a real actor.
Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey's role in every single movie plays on his ability to distort his rubbery face into expressions only thought possible on cartoon characters. By contorting his face into these unexpected formations at unexpected times, Carrey has apparently become a comedy star. That got old right about the time I got sick of seeing my parents making sudden funny faces at me (i.e., age 6 months).
Sex vs. Internet
A few weeks ago, I saw an article on Digg stating that a certain "study" showed that many people listed the internet as a greater necessity than sex. I briefly read through it, then dismissed it as yet another example of failed statistical reasoning.
... Then my DSL modem flat-lined on me. The first day was fine. The next day became harsh. Now, a week from now, and still 5 days before ATT comes up to simply provide me one fucking DSL modem, I'm dying. Keep in mind that I have internet at work (hence this entry) and on my phone. Still, I'm freaking out just a little bit.
Suddenly, that article makes a lot of sense. Imagine not having any internet for a year, versus not having any sex for a year. I think I'd say goodbye to sex and keep my internet. How else would I live? If I'm not having sex, I can still masturbate as frequently as I want to relieve that physical tension. But I can't exactly whip out a makeshift version of Facebook whenever the hell I feel like it.
The sad truth:
internet > sex
... Then my DSL modem flat-lined on me. The first day was fine. The next day became harsh. Now, a week from now, and still 5 days before ATT comes up to simply provide me one fucking DSL modem, I'm dying. Keep in mind that I have internet at work (hence this entry) and on my phone. Still, I'm freaking out just a little bit.
Suddenly, that article makes a lot of sense. Imagine not having any internet for a year, versus not having any sex for a year. I think I'd say goodbye to sex and keep my internet. How else would I live? If I'm not having sex, I can still masturbate as frequently as I want to relieve that physical tension. But I can't exactly whip out a makeshift version of Facebook whenever the hell I feel like it.
The sad truth:
internet > sex
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Spanish Lessons
Spanish is not my native language. I learned a bit of it during highschool, but have forgotten most of it. Today, Sarah greets me in Spanish, and an impromtu Spanish lesson begins.
Sarah: Buenos dias, senor.
Me: Hola, me llamo es Jorge.
Me: Hello, my name is George.
Sarah: Yo tengo herpes.
Sarah: I have herpes.
Sarah: Y tu?
Sarah: And you?
Me: Yo tengo herpes, tambien. Gracias.
Me: I have herpes also. Thank you.
Sarah: Buenos dias, senor.
Me: Hola, me llamo es Jorge.
Me: Hello, my name is George.
Sarah: Yo tengo herpes.
Sarah: I have herpes.
Sarah: Y tu?
Sarah: And you?
Me: Yo tengo herpes, tambien. Gracias.
Me: I have herpes also. Thank you.
Chat-Laughing
One thing that really annoys me is how people "laugh" while chatting. Nobody should type a laugh any other way than "haha" or some extension/variation of the letters "h" and "a" (for example: "haaaaaaaaaaaaaaHAHAHAHA").
Below are a list of retarded "laughs" that people insist on typing. Note that nobody actually laughs like any of these.
kekeke
When I read this, I picture an immigrant peasant with a brain disorder sitting on a porch and screaming this in a super high-pitched voice. He's got a huge, toothless smile on his face, and he's wearing a farmer's hat. He's also got a visible erection. Other than that, nobody should laugh like this. I realize that girls in 7th grade apparently think it's cute to type this as a laugh, but let me assure you that it is not.
puhaha
The next time you feel like typing this as your laugh, try actually laughing like this. Yeah, you feel pretty stupid.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO or ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL or LOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Look, these are acronyms for "laugh[ing] my ass off", "roll[ing] on floor laughing", and "laugh[ing] out loud". You can't just add a bunch of extra letters to an acronym to stress a point. What the fuck do the million repeated letters stand for? The next time you want to type this, ask yourself if you have a damn-good acronym to go along with it, alliteration-man. Rolling on floor laughing long lastingly like lovehandled ladies losing lust later loving labial lions.
kakaka
If you have a non-Americanized Korean friend, you've seen this one (and it's annoyed the fuck out of you). The next time you see this one, initiate a video-chat session with the offender. While the connection is being made, start laughing out loud like this. Let the video-chat box open up, then close it before you end a long string of "KAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA"s. It will confuse them, and maybe they'll get the point.
kkk
That non-Americanized Korean friend above might have typed this one to you as well. When I first saw this one, it blew me away. "KKK?" I asked in shock. I wasn't even aware that she knew what the KKK was. I didn't know whether to feel threatened, intimidated, disgusted, or turned-on.
Below are a list of retarded "laughs" that people insist on typing. Note that nobody actually laughs like any of these.
kekeke
When I read this, I picture an immigrant peasant with a brain disorder sitting on a porch and screaming this in a super high-pitched voice. He's got a huge, toothless smile on his face, and he's wearing a farmer's hat. He's also got a visible erection. Other than that, nobody should laugh like this. I realize that girls in 7th grade apparently think it's cute to type this as a laugh, but let me assure you that it is not.
puhaha
The next time you feel like typing this as your laugh, try actually laughing like this. Yeah, you feel pretty stupid.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO or ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL or LOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Look, these are acronyms for "laugh[ing] my ass off", "roll[ing] on floor laughing", and "laugh[ing] out loud". You can't just add a bunch of extra letters to an acronym to stress a point. What the fuck do the million repeated letters stand for? The next time you want to type this, ask yourself if you have a damn-good acronym to go along with it, alliteration-man. Rolling on floor laughing long lastingly like lovehandled ladies losing lust later loving labial lions.
kakaka
If you have a non-Americanized Korean friend, you've seen this one (and it's annoyed the fuck out of you). The next time you see this one, initiate a video-chat session with the offender. While the connection is being made, start laughing out loud like this. Let the video-chat box open up, then close it before you end a long string of "KAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA"s. It will confuse them, and maybe they'll get the point.
kkk
That non-Americanized Korean friend above might have typed this one to you as well. When I first saw this one, it blew me away. "KKK?" I asked in shock. I wasn't even aware that she knew what the KKK was. I didn't know whether to feel threatened, intimidated, disgusted, or turned-on.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Websites that Punish You
This morning, I was trying to log onto Bank of America's online banking site to see what copious amounts of money I currently owe, and how far below that requirement my checking account is at.
To see the details of one of my accounts, I simply click on the account name, at which point it loads another page...
... Except today it was being super slow, so I clicked again, thinking that there may have been some connection error in the first request. Once I clicked the second time, it brought me to this page:
Click on the picture for larger size.
That text reads: "Please be patient while your request is being processed. Click on the link below to navigate back to your Online Banking Session."
At first glance, I thought to myself, "Oh, a loading page?" and sat there sipping on my morning cup of tea and waiting for the site to load. But as a few minutes went by, I came to the realization that my page wasn't going to load. The site was, in fact, punishing me for being too eager to check my account! I had completely misread the text. What it was telling me was, "Our site can't keep up with you. Don't hurt our computers like that. You fail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200." (If you didn't get the Monopoly reference there, eat a fat one.)
Has anybody seen this shit before? This was a complete WTF moment for me. Fuck Bank of America.
To see the details of one of my accounts, I simply click on the account name, at which point it loads another page...
... Except today it was being super slow, so I clicked again, thinking that there may have been some connection error in the first request. Once I clicked the second time, it brought me to this page:
Click on the picture for larger size.
That text reads: "Please be patient while your request is being processed. Click on the link below to navigate back to your Online Banking Session."
At first glance, I thought to myself, "Oh, a loading page?" and sat there sipping on my morning cup of tea and waiting for the site to load. But as a few minutes went by, I came to the realization that my page wasn't going to load. The site was, in fact, punishing me for being too eager to check my account! I had completely misread the text. What it was telling me was, "Our site can't keep up with you. Don't hurt our computers like that. You fail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200." (If you didn't get the Monopoly reference there, eat a fat one.)
Has anybody seen this shit before? This was a complete WTF moment for me. Fuck Bank of America.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Foods I Call Bullshit On...
I'm going to be completely honest: I don't have what you'd call a "sophisticated palate". If I had to pick two foods to be stranded on an island with, I would pick Filet-O-Fishes with extra tartar sauce, and tons of beef jerky. Seriously.
While I've eaten at very high-end restaurants in my lifetime, I'd have to say that the extra money spent went towards a good atmosphere and scoring points with my company for the evening. No matter what I eat, nothing compares to the glory of a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish. In fact, every time I have a good meal, I secretly think to myself, "Hmm, what was this meal worth in Filet-O-Fishes?"
What bothers me are people who pretend to be so skilled at determining the quality of various foods and drinks. We all have that one friend who thinks he knows everything about every single red wine. Or the one who can immediately tell if her sushi has ever been frozen, ever. I call bullshit on both of these people and the foods they love so much. Below is a list of bullshit.
Wine
Wine is total bullshit. If I poured you one glass of Cabernet Sauvignon from a hundred-dollar bottle and another glass from a bottle costing several thousands of dollars, you wouldn't know the difference. Yes, you. You, the guy sitting there going, "OMG I WOULD TOTALLY KNOW!" No, you wouldn't. So shut the fuck up. I hate it when people around me sit there talking about that one bottle of shitfuck whatever-the-fuck-year-bottle-from-some-shithole-place-I've-never-fucking-heard-of that they tried a few years ago on a "wine tour". Eat a dick.
Sushi
During college, I worked at a sushi restaurant. We'd regularly get self-professed "sushi connoisseurs" who demanded to know where we get our fish and if it has ever been frozen. I would promptly reply that we have most of our fish brought directly to us from the fisheries, and that they're never, ever frozen. I would further polish it up by saying sometimes we have loads of fish brought to us still live and flopping. Oh man, I'm a great liar. To encourage me to keep up with these lies, I never got caught. What does that tell you? That every single one of these "veteran" sushi-eaters is full of fucking shit? Well, umm... actually yes. You see, every high-end sushi restaurant does in fact freeze their fish. You really think it'd be better to have a warm, rotting fish delivered to the restaurant every morning to sit and rot some more throughout the day? Get a fucking clue.
Gourmet Cheese
Good job, so you've memorized the names and appearances of a few cheeses that you got served to you on a little plate at some wine bar in some fancy neighborhood on some random evening. YOU ARE NOT A CHEESE EXPERT. If I put a whole bunch of cheeses on a plate, blindfolded you, and served them to you piece by piece, you wouldn't be able to tell the crust from my nuts from some fucked up dirty French stuff that grows on horse shit. Here is my rule on cheese: if Subway doesn't give you the option of putting it in your dick-shaped sandwich, it's bullshit.
I'll wrap it up by simply naming other foods/drinks that are bullshit: tea, chocolate, kobe beef, truffles... The list goes on and on and on...
While I've eaten at very high-end restaurants in my lifetime, I'd have to say that the extra money spent went towards a good atmosphere and scoring points with my company for the evening. No matter what I eat, nothing compares to the glory of a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish. In fact, every time I have a good meal, I secretly think to myself, "Hmm, what was this meal worth in Filet-O-Fishes?"
What bothers me are people who pretend to be so skilled at determining the quality of various foods and drinks. We all have that one friend who thinks he knows everything about every single red wine. Or the one who can immediately tell if her sushi has ever been frozen, ever. I call bullshit on both of these people and the foods they love so much. Below is a list of bullshit.
Wine
Wine is total bullshit. If I poured you one glass of Cabernet Sauvignon from a hundred-dollar bottle and another glass from a bottle costing several thousands of dollars, you wouldn't know the difference. Yes, you. You, the guy sitting there going, "OMG I WOULD TOTALLY KNOW!" No, you wouldn't. So shut the fuck up. I hate it when people around me sit there talking about that one bottle of shitfuck whatever-the-fuck-year-bottle-from-some-shithole-place-I've-never-fucking-heard-of that they tried a few years ago on a "wine tour". Eat a dick.
Sushi
During college, I worked at a sushi restaurant. We'd regularly get self-professed "sushi connoisseurs" who demanded to know where we get our fish and if it has ever been frozen. I would promptly reply that we have most of our fish brought directly to us from the fisheries, and that they're never, ever frozen. I would further polish it up by saying sometimes we have loads of fish brought to us still live and flopping. Oh man, I'm a great liar. To encourage me to keep up with these lies, I never got caught. What does that tell you? That every single one of these "veteran" sushi-eaters is full of fucking shit? Well, umm... actually yes. You see, every high-end sushi restaurant does in fact freeze their fish. You really think it'd be better to have a warm, rotting fish delivered to the restaurant every morning to sit and rot some more throughout the day? Get a fucking clue.
Gourmet Cheese
Good job, so you've memorized the names and appearances of a few cheeses that you got served to you on a little plate at some wine bar in some fancy neighborhood on some random evening. YOU ARE NOT A CHEESE EXPERT. If I put a whole bunch of cheeses on a plate, blindfolded you, and served them to you piece by piece, you wouldn't be able to tell the crust from my nuts from some fucked up dirty French stuff that grows on horse shit. Here is my rule on cheese: if Subway doesn't give you the option of putting it in your dick-shaped sandwich, it's bullshit.
I'll wrap it up by simply naming other foods/drinks that are bullshit: tea, chocolate, kobe beef, truffles... The list goes on and on and on...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Superhero Movies
At the suggestion of a friend, I went against better judgment and watched Iron Man just now. According to her, it's one of the best movies ever. Now, I really, truly wanted to be convinced. But there was one little problem: it sucked shit.
All superhero movies follow the same damn structure. An average Joe falls into some strange circumstance and acquires (whether or not it is his will) some special ability. He clumsily fools around with these newfound powers for like an hour and a half (yes, for the bulk of the movie.) During this time, he goes through a bunch of stupid antics that a five-year-old might find funny. Just as he almost masters his abilities, some supervillian emerges. They fight for five minutes, and it appears that our hero is about to die. Then, by some combination of wit/luck/will, the hero takes out the villian, but it appears he may have sacrificed himself in the process. The screen goes blank for three seconds while the audience is supposed to sit there mourning their hero. Then a brighter shot opens up, showing our hero sitting around happily living a "normal" life again. He says some stupid one-liner to remind everybody that he still is in fact a superhero, and the credits roll.
Waste of my life.
Being Cool
Dennis: Are you a Lord of the Rings fan?
Me: No. I don't like fagfiction.
Me: Why?
Dennis: No reason.
Dennis: (You're going to insult me for my interest in a fagfiction game.)
Me: Hahahahahahaha.
Me: You want me to play a Lord of the Rings game?
Dennis: It looks pretty good...
Me: No. I don't like fagfiction.
Me: Why?
Dennis: No reason.
Dennis: (You're going to insult me for my interest in a fagfiction game.)
Me: Hahahahahahaha.
Me: You want me to play a Lord of the Rings game?
Dennis: It looks pretty good...
Christmas Shopping
I really hate Christmas shopping. I can't imagine that's anything new, since nobody I know does appreciate the lines, the carnage, and the immigrant families screaming over the crowds. But I hate it in particular for a different reason...
Every year, I grow close with new people, and I grow distant from old friends. That puts me in a "gray area" with a lot of people wherein I'm not quite sure if I'm supposed to buy this person a present or not. On the one hand, if I don't buy a present for them yet they buy one for me, I seem like a complete jerk. I have to then come up with the excuse,"Oh DUDE I totally haven't wrapped your present yet! I'll give it to you tomorrow for SURE!" They, in turn, have to pretend that they believe me and aren't hurt that I'm a complete jerk. On the other hand, if I get them a present and they don't, then I seem like a desperate loser trying to buy friends. I then have to pretend I believe them when they say my present is coming soon. In an ideal world, all friends wouldn't give presents. Instead, they'd all go out for a beer, everybody would buy a round, and everybody leaves happy. I think that's fair. Also, the douchebag who tries to one-up everybody else by getting gifts anyway would be sent home.
Every year, I grow close with new people, and I grow distant from old friends. That puts me in a "gray area" with a lot of people wherein I'm not quite sure if I'm supposed to buy this person a present or not. On the one hand, if I don't buy a present for them yet they buy one for me, I seem like a complete jerk. I have to then come up with the excuse,"Oh DUDE I totally haven't wrapped your present yet! I'll give it to you tomorrow for SURE!" They, in turn, have to pretend that they believe me and aren't hurt that I'm a complete jerk. On the other hand, if I get them a present and they don't, then I seem like a desperate loser trying to buy friends. I then have to pretend I believe them when they say my present is coming soon. In an ideal world, all friends wouldn't give presents. Instead, they'd all go out for a beer, everybody would buy a round, and everybody leaves happy. I think that's fair. Also, the douchebag who tries to one-up everybody else by getting gifts anyway would be sent home.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Movie Review: Transporter 3
This past weekend, I made the mistake of watching Transporter 3. I had watched the previous two installments and thought they were decent action flicks, and I figured the third would be the same. Boy was I wrong. Here are a list of things wrong with the movie.
1) Jason Statham is kind of a cool guy. He's a fresh alternative to Bruce Willis's character John McClane from the Die Hard series. But this movie was banking too much on Statham's tough-guy image. There were so many random scenes that seemed to serve no purpose except to display the director's homoerotic obsession with Statham. The whole movie felt like a let's-make-sure-Statham-looks-like-the-guy-with-the-hugest-testicles-in-the-whole-world advertisement. I'm surprised there weren't random scenes where Statham has to strip naked and beat fourteen dudes senseless with his dick.
2) The action sucked. Given that this was the only thing (asides from Statham's cock) that Transporter was banking on, this meant that the movie itself sucked balls. Statham's balls, maybe. The car chases were pathetic, the stunts were boring and half-assed, and "Statham" riding around like Dave Mirra on a random bicycle doesn't qualify as action. Imagine if, during the first Fast and the Furious film, Vin Diesel suddenly decided to race on a 5-year old's pink Huffy because his car blew up in the middle of a race. That's a fairly dead-on description of Transporter 3.
3) Natalya Rudakova. That's the redhead co-star of this movie. I could almost make a list of shit wrong about her alone, but I'll narrow it down to two. First, she can't act worth a shit. I can honestly say I pulled off better acting as Aslan (the lion) in our 6th-grade production of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Seriously, it was that bad. Second, she's uglier than shit. In fact, I'd rather be fucked by Aslan than this ugly bitch. It would have been okay if she didn't play the role of some girl who's supposed to be super fucking hot. Too bad she was casted into the wrong fucking role.
4) The writers of this film have also written the following horrible movies: Taxi, Gladiator (Not the Russell Crowe hit, but a shitty boxing movie from the 90s), and the Karate Kid series. One common theme in all those movies are terrible one-liners that I might write if I was eating hot pockets while watching animal porn drunk. The same is true of Transporter 3. Some of the lines, especially those uttered by Ms. Rudakova, are so fucking stupid that I found myself literally raising my hands in WTF-ness several times during the movie. In fact, entire scenes are in the movie that make you wonder, "What the FUCK is the point of this scene?". For example, there's a scene where Statham and Rudakova talk for like ten minutes about a fucking chicken dinner that she likes, buttered up with dramatic/sad/romantic piano music and slow-panning camerawork meant to convey some form of emotion. If that's supposed to be some type of character development, I call FAIL. I didn't feel like I knew the characters any better after any of these scenes; I just felt like a confused gaywad.
Seriously, it's been a while since I've been this disappointed leaving a movie theatre. Fantastic Four comes to mind as the last time that happened.
Grade: F+. It would be a regular F or F- if it wasn't for the Audi A8 W12, a car I very much would like to sex. I wonder why they didn't use an S8......
1) Jason Statham is kind of a cool guy. He's a fresh alternative to Bruce Willis's character John McClane from the Die Hard series. But this movie was banking too much on Statham's tough-guy image. There were so many random scenes that seemed to serve no purpose except to display the director's homoerotic obsession with Statham. The whole movie felt like a let's-make-sure-Statham-looks-like-the-guy-with-the-hugest-testicles-in-the-whole-world advertisement. I'm surprised there weren't random scenes where Statham has to strip naked and beat fourteen dudes senseless with his dick.
2) The action sucked. Given that this was the only thing (asides from Statham's cock) that Transporter was banking on, this meant that the movie itself sucked balls. Statham's balls, maybe. The car chases were pathetic, the stunts were boring and half-assed, and "Statham" riding around like Dave Mirra on a random bicycle doesn't qualify as action. Imagine if, during the first Fast and the Furious film, Vin Diesel suddenly decided to race on a 5-year old's pink Huffy because his car blew up in the middle of a race. That's a fairly dead-on description of Transporter 3.
3) Natalya Rudakova. That's the redhead co-star of this movie. I could almost make a list of shit wrong about her alone, but I'll narrow it down to two. First, she can't act worth a shit. I can honestly say I pulled off better acting as Aslan (the lion) in our 6th-grade production of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. Seriously, it was that bad. Second, she's uglier than shit. In fact, I'd rather be fucked by Aslan than this ugly bitch. It would have been okay if she didn't play the role of some girl who's supposed to be super fucking hot. Too bad she was casted into the wrong fucking role.
4) The writers of this film have also written the following horrible movies: Taxi, Gladiator (Not the Russell Crowe hit, but a shitty boxing movie from the 90s), and the Karate Kid series. One common theme in all those movies are terrible one-liners that I might write if I was eating hot pockets while watching animal porn drunk. The same is true of Transporter 3. Some of the lines, especially those uttered by Ms. Rudakova, are so fucking stupid that I found myself literally raising my hands in WTF-ness several times during the movie. In fact, entire scenes are in the movie that make you wonder, "What the FUCK is the point of this scene?". For example, there's a scene where Statham and Rudakova talk for like ten minutes about a fucking chicken dinner that she likes, buttered up with dramatic/sad/romantic piano music and slow-panning camerawork meant to convey some form of emotion. If that's supposed to be some type of character development, I call FAIL. I didn't feel like I knew the characters any better after any of these scenes; I just felt like a confused gaywad.
Seriously, it's been a while since I've been this disappointed leaving a movie theatre. Fantastic Four comes to mind as the last time that happened.
Grade: F+. It would be a regular F or F- if it wasn't for the Audi A8 W12, a car I very much would like to sex. I wonder why they didn't use an S8......
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Creative Name-Calling
At her request, the identity of the friend below has been changed...
Me: HEY no need to get hostile.
Me: Bitchniggacunt.
Sarah: Cumface.
Me: Hey try using a different modifier. "Face" is already old.
Sarah: Cumtoes.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Blood Types and Fat People
I got into a conversation about blood types with my buddy Leo. See, another friend of mine wants to introduce Leo to her nice friend, and both girls believe in some zany nonsense about one's blood type determining various characteristics about them. On a side note, Leo is a slightly more heavy-set/tubby guy. Yes, that's important.
Leo: I'm looking this up.
Me: Good, because I don't know all the different meanings.
Leo: Good.
Leo: "Type O: Type O's are outgoing and very social. They are initiators, although they don't always finish what they start. Creative and popular, they love to be the center of attention and appear very self confident."
Me: Yup. Does it also say they have a soft side? That's one thing that they're apparently criticized for...
Leo: Nope. That actually sounds like me.
Leo: I'm a rock on the outside. But a big, fat teddy bear on the inside.
Leo: I'm looking this up.
Me: Good, because I don't know all the different meanings.
Leo: Good.
Leo: "Type O: Type O's are outgoing and very social. They are initiators, although they don't always finish what they start. Creative and popular, they love to be the center of attention and appear very self confident."
Me: Yup. Does it also say they have a soft side? That's one thing that they're apparently criticized for...
Leo: Nope. That actually sounds like me.
Leo: I'm a rock on the outside. But a big, fat teddy bear on the inside.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Bothering Friends
Every so often, when I'm taking a dump at work, I get bored and start chatting away on my phone. Typically, the conversation has to be nonsense, because how often do you want to have a serious conversation while passing a cow through your asshole? Today, I got bored and messaged my friend Reana with some lyrics from Coolio's Gangster's Paradise. Reana is a particularly easy target when I feel like spewing nonsense, because she never quite realizes I'm doing it. Here it is (with punctuation cleaned up)...
Me: I really hate to trip, but I gotta loc.
Reana: ?
Me: Just had to let you know.
Me: Werd?
Reana: I'm so confused.
Reana: Loc?
Me: I be loc'in.
Me: Son.
Reana: Are you trying to be black?
Reana: Is this a joke?
Reana: I really don't get it.
Me: Am I a joke to you? Is that what I look like?
Reana: I don't understand what you are trying to say.
Reana: Please speak English.
Me: I'm saying that I would really rather not trip.
Me: But that I do have an obligation to loc.
Reana: Trippin' about girls?
Me: No. About these foos arousing my anger.
Reana: OMG WTH is going on?
Me: I'm a educated foo with money on mah mind.
Reana: Okay I can't talk to you anymore.
Me: Okay bye.
Me: I really hate to trip, but I gotta loc.
Reana: ?
Me: Just had to let you know.
Me: Werd?
Reana: I'm so confused.
Reana: Loc?
Me: I be loc'in.
Me: Son.
Reana: Are you trying to be black?
Reana: Is this a joke?
Reana: I really don't get it.
Me: Am I a joke to you? Is that what I look like?
Reana: I don't understand what you are trying to say.
Reana: Please speak English.
Me: I'm saying that I would really rather not trip.
Me: But that I do have an obligation to loc.
Reana: Trippin' about girls?
Me: No. About these foos arousing my anger.
Reana: OMG WTH is going on?
Me: I'm a educated foo with money on mah mind.
Reana: Okay I can't talk to you anymore.
Me: Okay bye.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Life Without Facebook
While in the process of switching to a better, higher-paying job, I decided it would be beneficial to hide any potentially-damaging online content related to me. And while I can keep posting to this blog to give all my millions of loyal readers some content, I cannot log into my Facebook.
Today is day three without Facebook. Why not just change security and privacy settings on Facebook, you ask? Because I don't fully trust that the clever people won't find a way to view my page anyway. I figure it's best to have the account deactivated for now.
Thus, here I am... A broken man, lost and confused. I bet all my thousands of friends are in a state of absolute panic/chaos at the moment. Each one of them is probably thinking,"WHAT THE FUCK!? DID HE JUST DEFRIEND ME?! NOOOO!!" Or, in a more realistic scenario: nobody gives a fuck but me. You don't know what you got 'til it's gone. Now that my phone isn't buzzing every few minutes with a Facebook update from an old "friend" who never really was friend enough to have the quotes removed from around that title, I feel so empty and forgotten.
How did people make friends before Facebook? Remember the days when the popular kid didn't need to prove he was popular by having the most friends on Facebook? Imagine if the "cool" kid in school only had like forty friends on Facebook. He'd suddenly be way uncool. His wall having only a few random inside jokes from the one annoying girl who (judging by her tiny profile picture) might be cute, his inbox empty, no comments on his two improperly-sized profile pictures that stay tiny even if you click on them, no ability to SuperPoke him, no Graffiti'ing on his wall, nothing. What a loser.
Today is day three without Facebook. Why not just change security and privacy settings on Facebook, you ask? Because I don't fully trust that the clever people won't find a way to view my page anyway. I figure it's best to have the account deactivated for now.
Thus, here I am... A broken man, lost and confused. I bet all my thousands of friends are in a state of absolute panic/chaos at the moment. Each one of them is probably thinking,"WHAT THE FUCK!? DID HE JUST DEFRIEND ME?! NOOOO!!" Or, in a more realistic scenario: nobody gives a fuck but me. You don't know what you got 'til it's gone. Now that my phone isn't buzzing every few minutes with a Facebook update from an old "friend" who never really was friend enough to have the quotes removed from around that title, I feel so empty and forgotten.
How did people make friends before Facebook? Remember the days when the popular kid didn't need to prove he was popular by having the most friends on Facebook? Imagine if the "cool" kid in school only had like forty friends on Facebook. He'd suddenly be way uncool. His wall having only a few random inside jokes from the one annoying girl who (judging by her tiny profile picture) might be cute, his inbox empty, no comments on his two improperly-sized profile pictures that stay tiny even if you click on them, no ability to SuperPoke him, no Graffiti'ing on his wall, nothing. What a loser.
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