I've been watching a lot of movies lately, either on DVD or in theaters. Here are a list of shitty movies I recently saw (they're not necessarily new), along with my reviews.
Notorious
If the purpose of the movie is to blend 8 Mile, a hole-filled documentary on Notorious BIG's life, and whole bunch of one-sided bullshit, then I suppose you could call this a movie. Meaning no disrespect to the deceased, by about a quarter-way through the movie I was dying for the fast-forward to his untimely end.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
When I was a kid, I thought Indiana Jones was a gay cowboy. He still is. Poor action, poor storyline, poor acting. And really, a UFO flying away as the ending? Pathetic.
The Unborn
Apparently, the creators of The Unborn thought that this was the formula for a good horror movie: rip a whole bunch of scary ideas/scenes from previous decent horror movies (Omen, The Skeleton Key, Exorcist, House on Haunted Hill, Poltergeist), mash them all together, and try to string it all together with a whole bunch of terrible dialogue over eerie music. My girlfriend fell asleep three times during this movie.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
I shouldn't even need to tell you this one would be gay. It was. Totally gay. When is Brendan Fraser going to realize that his one-liners just aren't fucking funny?
Babylon A.D.
This movie seemed like it had a bit of potential. Could have been a less-far-fetched version of Fifth Element. Unfortunately, the writers apparently decided to say,"Fuck it, they lived happily ever after..." in the middle of the flick. Seriously, you never fucking see the ending coming. Ever. No climax, nothing. Just a sudden roll of the credits. After preparing myself mentally for an epic and dramatic ending, I literally had my jaw open in WHATTHEFUCKJUSTHAPPENED-ness.
The Love Guru
The Austin Powers flicks were pretty damn funny. Too bad the jokes are all fucking done. Mike Myers needs to go home now. Even Jessica Alba managed to not be hot in this movie (go figure, I can't put a finger on it either.) I didn't even chuckle once during this film. I never even let out a smile. I just sat there, becoming increasingly agitated at the stupidity that is Mike Myer's ugly face.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Dirty Habits
I got into a conversation with my girlfriend about disgusting habits that we have, and I started thinking... Hopefully some of you can chime in and kindly confirm that I'm not a freak for doing the following...
Smelling toe jam
When I cut my toenails, I purposely don't pick out the gunk from the big toe until the very end. After I'm all finished with all toes, I use the handy little gunk-picking end of the clippers to pick out a fatty piece of dark, linty toenail gunk. Then I smell it. And then I smell it again. And again. By the time I've smelled it a few times, I've almost grown attached to it. It feels like a waste to throw it away. I almost ponder fetching it out of the trashcan once I do. One day, if it's a particularly great one, I might actually do it.
Smelling those nasty shower farts
Have you noticed that your farts are significantly nastier in the shower? If I'm gassy, but need to hit the shower, I try to hold my fart in until I've been washing myself for at least a couple minutes. Then I release and inhale as deep as I can. It's an amazing feeling taking a whiff of that. It can turn a cold shower steamy and hot.
Smelling toe jam
When I cut my toenails, I purposely don't pick out the gunk from the big toe until the very end. After I'm all finished with all toes, I use the handy little gunk-picking end of the clippers to pick out a fatty piece of dark, linty toenail gunk. Then I smell it. And then I smell it again. And again. By the time I've smelled it a few times, I've almost grown attached to it. It feels like a waste to throw it away. I almost ponder fetching it out of the trashcan once I do. One day, if it's a particularly great one, I might actually do it.
Smelling those nasty shower farts
Have you noticed that your farts are significantly nastier in the shower? If I'm gassy, but need to hit the shower, I try to hold my fart in until I've been washing myself for at least a couple minutes. Then I release and inhale as deep as I can. It's an amazing feeling taking a whiff of that. It can turn a cold shower steamy and hot.
Performing visual analysis of my shit
[Not so] Deep down inside, guys rate themselves on several scales. For the most apart, it's a matter of "how big is my ____?" For example, "How big is my dick?" or "How big are my biceps?" But those are a little too obvious. I also like to rate myself on how huge of a dump I can take. In fact, I'll often hold my shit in for hours, even though I need to go pretty bad, just so that I can have a more massive pile of shit sitting in the toilet afterwards. Right before I wipe, I love spreading my legs and moving my upper body to just the right angle so that I can peer into the toilet without blocking the lighting with my head. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing a huge lump of dump so majestic that the water around it seems to almost disappear. Also, after I wipe I'll often let out a last stream of urine all over the toilet paper to remind myself that I am, in fact, better than mere trees processed into strips of fabric.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I Can Flush My Own Toilet, Thank You Very Much
Automatic flush toilets piss me off.
There are the ones that are super-ultra-hyper-mega-sensitive, so that while you're trying to lay down the protective seat cover, the damn thing keeps flushing again and again, destroying your carefully-laid work of herpes-protection. Naturally, this leads to water spraying up onto the seat, meaning you have to wipe again with toilet paper before trying all over again. All the while, you're doing the chicken dance because a turtle's head is peeking out of your asshole.
Even worse are the ones that decide to flush in the middle of your dump. They always give you that two-to-three-seconds heads up, so you know it's coming. Since you don't want toilet water spraying into your anus, you voice out,"Oh shit... No no no no no no... OHHHHH no!" and get up halfway, doing an entirely-awkward and painful squatting exercise while trying to lay out a new protective cover under your ass. It's as if they're telling you,"You've been dumping for too long, get the fuck up and get out." I find it incredibly rude and annoying.
Automatic faucets are no better. Sometimes they just refuse to work, so you're standing there looking like a senile dickwad trying to wash his hands with no water. Then, just as you decide to leave the sink for the next one over, the water turns on for a split second, almost as if to taunt you. Of course, when you place your hands back under the faucet, it stops again.
Don't get me started on the water-spray asshole-cleaning toilets. To be honest, I've never used one. But I'd really rather not have my asshole sprayed into and blown into.
There are the ones that are super-ultra-hyper-mega-sensitive, so that while you're trying to lay down the protective seat cover, the damn thing keeps flushing again and again, destroying your carefully-laid work of herpes-protection. Naturally, this leads to water spraying up onto the seat, meaning you have to wipe again with toilet paper before trying all over again. All the while, you're doing the chicken dance because a turtle's head is peeking out of your asshole.
Even worse are the ones that decide to flush in the middle of your dump. They always give you that two-to-three-seconds heads up, so you know it's coming. Since you don't want toilet water spraying into your anus, you voice out,"Oh shit... No no no no no no... OHHHHH no!" and get up halfway, doing an entirely-awkward and painful squatting exercise while trying to lay out a new protective cover under your ass. It's as if they're telling you,"You've been dumping for too long, get the fuck up and get out." I find it incredibly rude and annoying.
Automatic faucets are no better. Sometimes they just refuse to work, so you're standing there looking like a senile dickwad trying to wash his hands with no water. Then, just as you decide to leave the sink for the next one over, the water turns on for a split second, almost as if to taunt you. Of course, when you place your hands back under the faucet, it stops again.
Don't get me started on the water-spray asshole-cleaning toilets. To be honest, I've never used one. But I'd really rather not have my asshole sprayed into and blown into.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Cello: A Violin for Fat People
After seeing the preview for the upcoming movie The Soloist with Rob Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx, I've become obsessed with Johann Sebastian Bach's Cello Suite No. 1. I thought I remembered that my tubby buddy Leo played the cello.......
Me: Can you play Bach's Cello Suite 1?
Leo: No, idiot.
Me: You play cello, right? Or was it violin?
Leo: Are you trying to say my violin is the size of a normal cello?
Leo: Fucking asshole.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
White People Like Ugly Asian Women
Leaving pride at the door, I can honestly say that Asian women are the hottest in the world. Our countries produce some of the tiniest dicks and hottest chicks in the world. But I find that non-Asians (white people, mainly), find themselves attracted to some hideous Asian girls.
Whenever you see an Asian woman in a beauty pageant, she usually has some hideous manhole-cover looking face. Is it considered beautiful for Asian women to have a bulbous, big-cheek-boned, alien-looking face? Tila Nguyen (Tila Tequila, if you're retarded) is an EXCELLENT example of this.
Beyond that face, you'll find a light bulb. Not a skull. And it's evidently turned off.
Or what about the ugly, fat Asian chicks in high-school who go to college and end up dating decent-looking white dudes. How the fuck does that happen?
Or what about YunJin Kim, the Korean chick from Lost? She looks like a mix of a Korean mom and a Lemming. Not the animal, but one of the little dudes in the oldschool videogame series.
If this guy fucked your mom, your sister would be shitty actress on a hit TV show.
I almost feel like there's some worldwide conspiracy to keep truly good-looking Asian women as well-hidden as possible. Maybe the rest of the world's women would be in too much trouble.
Friday, January 16, 2009
A Most Unfortunate Typo
Janet: You have to listen to it.
Janet: The way Ne-Yo sings it, it's just so believable.
Janet: It almost moves me to teats.
She did correct herself after, but the damage was already done.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Icebreakers
I've recently become fascinated with knowing other peoples' answers to random icebreaker questions. I figured I'd answer some of my own for the heck of it.
Note: These questions were taken from www.icebreaker.ws. If you are an administrator of some sort for this website and would like me to remove this content from this post, please do let me know, as I will gladly comply.
If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would you get?
Filet-O-Fishes. With a tartar sauce gun. Connected to an endless tank of tartar sauce.
If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
A human-sized all-black wasp with blades at the tips of my wings. Why? Well why the hell not?
What is one goal you’d like to accomplish during your lifetime?
Scoring a goal.
When you were little, who was your favorite super hero and why?
Captain Planet. Because of the little Indian boy who said,"HEART!" as his ring power thing.
Who is your hero? (a parent, a celebrity, an influential person in one’s life)
The little Indian boy who says,"HEART!" in Captain Planet.
What’s your favorite thing to do in the summer?
Wait for fall. And watch tons of porn.
If they made a movie of your life, what would it be about and which actor would you want to play you?
It would be about an assassin-for-hire who walks around with a revolver and shoots people in broad daylight. In the end of the film, he would die. The main character (me) would be played either by Tom Cruise or Client Eastwood. Or Martin Lawrence.
If you were an ice cream flavor, which one would you be and why?
Rocky Road. Because it looks like shit. And I'm the shit. There appears to be a slight flaw in the reasoning there...
What’s your favorite cartoon character, and why?
Johnny Bravo. Because it's me.
If you could visit any place in the world, where would you choose to go and why?
A little cave where magic people live. High up in the mountain ranges of Mongolia. They'd have spiritual healing powers, as well as the mystical power to make me hallucinate for hours on end. They'd also feed me these delicious little mushrooms all day.
What’s the ideal dream job for you?
Ranting nonstop in a blog that nobody reads. If I could create such a blog, I'd call it dudemind, and I'd try desperately to get my friends to sign up and follow.
Are you a morning or night person?
The part of late night that lapses onto morning.
What are your favorite hobbies?
Ranting. Hating. Ranting about hating. Pretending that I have many hobbies.
What are your pet peeves or interesting things about you that you dislike?
One of my pet peeves are poorly-worded questions that make you read them twice and say,"what the fuck is this even asking me?" Hmm, when was the last time I read one of those?
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Live octopus.
Name one of your favorite things about someone in your family.
I have to like them by default.
Tell us about a unique or quirky habit of yours.
Being quirky.
If you had to describe yourself using three words, it would be…
"Hellomyname is ____"
If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?
An action film in a sci-fi universe where futuristic ships meet wizards and elves through a dimensional upset in the space/time-continuum. I would be a sword-wielding warrior who falls in love with a space pirate over a rudimentary chatting method where I send her a message written on a piece of blessed tree bark and she responds by shooting laser messages across the sky.
If I could be anybody besides myself, I would be…
A darker, cooler version of myself from the future. I'd also have implants in my eyes to allow me to see in the dark. In fact, I might be a cyborg.
Note: These questions were taken from www.icebreaker.ws. If you are an administrator of some sort for this website and would like me to remove this content from this post, please do let me know, as I will gladly comply.
If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would you get?
Filet-O-Fishes. With a tartar sauce gun. Connected to an endless tank of tartar sauce.
If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
A human-sized all-black wasp with blades at the tips of my wings. Why? Well why the hell not?
What is one goal you’d like to accomplish during your lifetime?
Scoring a goal.
When you were little, who was your favorite super hero and why?
Captain Planet. Because of the little Indian boy who said,"HEART!" as his ring power thing.
Who is your hero? (a parent, a celebrity, an influential person in one’s life)
The little Indian boy who says,"HEART!" in Captain Planet.
What’s your favorite thing to do in the summer?
Wait for fall. And watch tons of porn.
If they made a movie of your life, what would it be about and which actor would you want to play you?
It would be about an assassin-for-hire who walks around with a revolver and shoots people in broad daylight. In the end of the film, he would die. The main character (me) would be played either by Tom Cruise or Client Eastwood. Or Martin Lawrence.
If you were an ice cream flavor, which one would you be and why?
Rocky Road. Because it looks like shit. And I'm the shit. There appears to be a slight flaw in the reasoning there...
What’s your favorite cartoon character, and why?
Johnny Bravo. Because it's me.
If you could visit any place in the world, where would you choose to go and why?
A little cave where magic people live. High up in the mountain ranges of Mongolia. They'd have spiritual healing powers, as well as the mystical power to make me hallucinate for hours on end. They'd also feed me these delicious little mushrooms all day.
What’s the ideal dream job for you?
Ranting nonstop in a blog that nobody reads. If I could create such a blog, I'd call it dudemind, and I'd try desperately to get my friends to sign up and follow.
Are you a morning or night person?
The part of late night that lapses onto morning.
What are your favorite hobbies?
Ranting. Hating. Ranting about hating. Pretending that I have many hobbies.
What are your pet peeves or interesting things about you that you dislike?
One of my pet peeves are poorly-worded questions that make you read them twice and say,"what the fuck is this even asking me?" Hmm, when was the last time I read one of those?
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Live octopus.
Name one of your favorite things about someone in your family.
I have to like them by default.
Tell us about a unique or quirky habit of yours.
Being quirky.
If you had to describe yourself using three words, it would be…
"Hellomyname is ____"
If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?
An action film in a sci-fi universe where futuristic ships meet wizards and elves through a dimensional upset in the space/time-continuum. I would be a sword-wielding warrior who falls in love with a space pirate over a rudimentary chatting method where I send her a message written on a piece of blessed tree bark and she responds by shooting laser messages across the sky.
If I could be anybody besides myself, I would be…
A darker, cooler version of myself from the future. I'd also have implants in my eyes to allow me to see in the dark. In fact, I might be a cyborg.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Instead of Work...
For the most part, I work a standard eight-hour workday with a lunch thrown in somewhere roughly center of that time. But I spend most of my time doing other things. In fact, even while I'm working, I'm usually chatting away or Facebooking like a pro.
Besides the obvious chatting/web-browsing/etc., here are a list of more interesting things I do to cope with the agony of work...
Pointless E-Mails
I'll pick a few unlucky candidates and send random e-mails. If I'm going down, I want to take a few people with me. Usually, the e-mail will be lyrics to some random girl-power song. And usually they don't respond.
Endless Tea Breaks
I drink a lot of green tea. Each time I go into the kitchen, I wash my mug, grab a couple teabags, and sit there steeping my tea for a couple minutes. If I feel like it's time for a tea break, but happen to still have a full mug, I'll walk my mug to the kitchen anyway, then turn around and come back.
Walking Around Singing
I take random walks around the office singing country music. I've convinced myself that it doesn't annoy people, but rather uplifts their somber moods. I'm sure most of them figure I'm off to do something important. Usually, I'm taking a random walk before coming back to my desk.
Sudoku in Excel
I love Sudoku. I'll find a puzzle online, then throw it into the corner of an Excel sheet that I've been working on. If anybody comes by to talk to me, it looks like I'm busy crunching numbers and creating new formulas and macros. Too bad no.
Crossword Puzzles in a Stack of Documents
There's always a ton of paperwork littered all over my desk. They usually have all kinds of markings and specific items of interest highlighted. It's a lot to take in, but it also provides a lot of cover for my true operation: trying to solve crossword puzzles. I'm a numbers man myself, so I've yet to conquer a standard daily-paper-level crossword. One day, it'll happen... One day.
Stomach Problems
The restroom is a great place to hide. The temperature is always perfect, and we have really tall floor-to-ceiling doors so you can't peek at my shoes to figure out that I'm in the stall. Sometimes, I just sit on the can with my pants still on and sit there refreshing and reading my RSS feeds. Hopefully, I never forget that I'm not actually taking a dump; wouldn't want to crap my pants for the sake of killing some time.
What do YOU do to kill time?
Besides the obvious chatting/web-browsing/etc., here are a list of more interesting things I do to cope with the agony of work...
Pointless E-Mails
I'll pick a few unlucky candidates and send random e-mails. If I'm going down, I want to take a few people with me. Usually, the e-mail will be lyrics to some random girl-power song. And usually they don't respond.
Endless Tea Breaks
I drink a lot of green tea. Each time I go into the kitchen, I wash my mug, grab a couple teabags, and sit there steeping my tea for a couple minutes. If I feel like it's time for a tea break, but happen to still have a full mug, I'll walk my mug to the kitchen anyway, then turn around and come back.
Walking Around Singing
I take random walks around the office singing country music. I've convinced myself that it doesn't annoy people, but rather uplifts their somber moods. I'm sure most of them figure I'm off to do something important. Usually, I'm taking a random walk before coming back to my desk.
Sudoku in Excel
I love Sudoku. I'll find a puzzle online, then throw it into the corner of an Excel sheet that I've been working on. If anybody comes by to talk to me, it looks like I'm busy crunching numbers and creating new formulas and macros. Too bad no.
Crossword Puzzles in a Stack of Documents
There's always a ton of paperwork littered all over my desk. They usually have all kinds of markings and specific items of interest highlighted. It's a lot to take in, but it also provides a lot of cover for my true operation: trying to solve crossword puzzles. I'm a numbers man myself, so I've yet to conquer a standard daily-paper-level crossword. One day, it'll happen... One day.
Stomach Problems
The restroom is a great place to hide. The temperature is always perfect, and we have really tall floor-to-ceiling doors so you can't peek at my shoes to figure out that I'm in the stall. Sometimes, I just sit on the can with my pants still on and sit there refreshing and reading my RSS feeds. Hopefully, I never forget that I'm not actually taking a dump; wouldn't want to crap my pants for the sake of killing some time.
What do YOU do to kill time?
Fuck Equality
I can't even think of a good intro for this...
Here are a few good examples of hippie shit that I refuse to accept.
Race Equality
To be honest, I don't feel that I'm any better than others based on my race alone. Surely, I hate many attributes of my own people. So naturally, I could potentially be a bit racist towards members of other races too. It's normal. As living things, we're inclined to feel more comfortable with things that resemble ourselves. A white man will be more comfortable around another white man than he would be around a black man. That is a fact. All these liberals will cry bullshit all they want, but take one look at their leader. Obama supposedly stands for the new hope of America, and represents our ability to look beyond race and the color of one's skin. Does everyone really buy that bullshit? If he really doesn't look at race at all himself, is it just coincidence that he's married to another African-American? Why has he been attending an all-black "Church" for so many years? Why does he go around so fervently making it a point to promote and see more black politicians? Now, don't get me wrong... I would do the exact same damn thing, and I don't blame him for that. But I think it's pretty fucking obvious that race is something we hold dear to ourselves. Race matters to all of us. It's part of what makes us who we are. I prefer to associate with people who have a sense of humor that agrees with mine, with people who share at least some political views with me (I'm a bit of an extremist, so I can understand if it's too much for some), who like to do the same things I do... And in the same way, I prefer to be around people who share the same ethnic background. If you think otherwise, it's really time to cut the act and face the facts.
Gender Equality
Sorry, but no. I suppose it doesn't help that I was voted "biggest chauvanist" in high-school, but I don't see this as a true statement. Now, don't get me wrong, I have all the respect in the world for women; but I firmly believe that both genders should try to stick with nature's predetermined social roles. We're made to perform better at the tasks we've been designed to do. Whether you believe in intelligent design or evolution, there is insurmountable evidence that men and women are not the same. In most mammals, men are physically superior to women. Women are more prone to emotional weakness and fluctuations. These are facts of life that we need to accept and embrace. Higher testosterone levels are very strongly correlated with social leadership, both in human beings and in animals. Testosterone creates drive, and drive takes you to the top. This shows that men are physically designed to lead better than women are. What blows me away is the fact that women love to demand equality (which, mind you, they already fucking have), yet if America was to initiate a draft, only men would be drafted. I doubt you'd see women out in arms over that.
Age Equality
This should be a no-brainer. At different ages, we're more capable of different things. A 50-year old woman does not have the energy to serve tables all night at a bar. A 20-year old college kid probably doesn't have the necessary experience or knowledge to be a head librarian or marriage counselor. Why must we pretend that all ages equally qualify for certain jobs? Have we become that accepting/expectant of frivolous lawsuits that we cannot simply state,"Look, you're too fucking old to sell iPods to the newer-generation customers."? If it was your company, would you want to hire somebody who you know doesn't quite fit the mold of a good employee? One thing that makes us human is our ability to make educated decisions based on sound reasoning and good judgment. Why rob ourselves of that?
What America needs to do is stop allowing bullshit lawsuits to enter our courthouses. The American legal system is at once the best in the world and a huge fucking joke. Enough spending our tax dollars so some dipshit can have the right to a trial because he didn't realize his HOT coffee might burn him if he spilled it on his dick in the car. When your grandma sues Hooters for refusing her a position based on her age, the judge is thinking the exact same thing as everybody else in that courtroom, as well as your grandma herself: nobody wants to see a sag-titted Hooters girl.
Fuck the bullshit political correctness. Can we please just be REAL with ourselves?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Israel, the Gaza Strip, and How the World Ends
Israel and Hamas are going at it in the Gaza Strip. The following is how the rest of the world gets sucked into this circle.
1) Palestine steps in and exercises what it insists is its authority over the Gaza Strip.
2) Iran steps in, because they support a unified Palestinian state and denounce the existence of Israel. Together, they attempt to overtake Israel.
3) The United States steps in to defend Israel (our "most important ally in the region") against the invading Palestinian/Iranian army.
4) Russia steps in, as it has financial interest in Iran, as well as the common goal of limited the power of the United States.
Here's where it starts getting tricky...
5) Pakistan has a spotty history with both Russia and Iran, but they're not currently on bad terms, so they join in the fight supporting this faction.
6) Some European nations have long-standing good relationships with both Pakistan and the United States. France, Germany, and the UK come to mind. But when push-comes-to-shove, and in light of these countries' disappointment in Russia's latest skirmish with Georgia, all three decide to join in the interest of the United States and Israel. (Go figure, eh? France, Germany, and Israel on one side. Nuts...)
7) Japan jumps in to support America.
8) S. Korea jumps in to support America.
9) N. Korea jumps in against S. Korea.
10) China jumps in to support N. Korea and Russia.
11) Everybody else says,"I am not touching that clusterfuck with a ten-foot pole..." This means, Egypt, India, Spain, Greece, Austria, etc etc etc etc etc.
12) Everybody bombs everybody else. Goodbye world.
Watch as my prediction comes true, step-by-step.
1) Palestine steps in and exercises what it insists is its authority over the Gaza Strip.
2) Iran steps in, because they support a unified Palestinian state and denounce the existence of Israel. Together, they attempt to overtake Israel.
3) The United States steps in to defend Israel (our "most important ally in the region") against the invading Palestinian/Iranian army.
4) Russia steps in, as it has financial interest in Iran, as well as the common goal of limited the power of the United States.
Here's where it starts getting tricky...
5) Pakistan has a spotty history with both Russia and Iran, but they're not currently on bad terms, so they join in the fight supporting this faction.
6) Some European nations have long-standing good relationships with both Pakistan and the United States. France, Germany, and the UK come to mind. But when push-comes-to-shove, and in light of these countries' disappointment in Russia's latest skirmish with Georgia, all three decide to join in the interest of the United States and Israel. (Go figure, eh? France, Germany, and Israel on one side. Nuts...)
7) Japan jumps in to support America.
8) S. Korea jumps in to support America.
9) N. Korea jumps in against S. Korea.
10) China jumps in to support N. Korea and Russia.
11) Everybody else says,"I am not touching that clusterfuck with a ten-foot pole..." This means, Egypt, India, Spain, Greece, Austria, etc etc etc etc etc.
12) Everybody bombs everybody else. Goodbye world.
Watch as my prediction comes true, step-by-step.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Kinds of Fat People Who Suck
Fat people are dicks. Here are some examples...
The Hot Girl
Why is it that, out of a group of girls walking by, it's always the fat one who's bragging about the million guys who want her? A group of four girls is usually composed of one hot girl, two average ones, and one really fat one. Yet it's the fat one who's always doing the talking about the last guy she rejected and the last guy who begged for her love. For one thing, I call bullshit. For another... well, I guess that's about it... I just call bullshit. Maybe it's something about the way girls interact; some primal, instinctive social structure that men will never understand. This is also evident in girl-bands, where the hot one just prances around, the average ones just do backup vocals, and the fat one is the one wailing away nonstop.
The Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) Fighter
I like designer clothing. Metrosexual as it may sound, the clothes look better, feel better, and fit better... for most people. Ever since MMA fighters started wearing a bunch of designer shirts, they've become the dress-code for wannabe tough-guys everywhere. It doesn't help that Affliction Clothing now owns an MMA league itself. I always see guys with huge guts hanging out wearing Affliction shirts that are a couple sizes too small. These guys look like they belong in a bra and pregnant-lady dress, not a tight designer t-shirt. Strangely, they're usually the douchebags who walk into a room and think they are the toughest, hottest thing within reasonable distance. Why is that?
The Healthy, Beautiful One
To be honest, I'm not sure if people like this are even real. You only see them on shows like Maury Povich. These fatties are loud, rude, and full of false-confidence. These are the fat women who point at the skinny girls and say,"YOU are unhealthy and disgusting. I am a healthy, beautiful woman!" The audience erupts in loud cheers, then boos the skinnier, more-attractive lady who has volunteered to be ridiculed by a bunch of worthless tubbyfucks. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say except,"Are you fucking serious...?"
The Doctor
If you met for the first time with a personal trainer, and he had volcano tits and Buddha's gut hanging out, you wouldn't exactly trust him. Why is it any better when fat doctors and health advisors come out and give advice on how to eat/live healthy lifestyles? They'll die of a heartattack before I could kill myself by overdosing on Filet-O-Fishes, so what the hell do they know about my health? These ones are plain absurd.
Does being tubby make you delusional?
The Hot Girl
Why is it that, out of a group of girls walking by, it's always the fat one who's bragging about the million guys who want her? A group of four girls is usually composed of one hot girl, two average ones, and one really fat one. Yet it's the fat one who's always doing the talking about the last guy she rejected and the last guy who begged for her love. For one thing, I call bullshit. For another... well, I guess that's about it... I just call bullshit. Maybe it's something about the way girls interact; some primal, instinctive social structure that men will never understand. This is also evident in girl-bands, where the hot one just prances around, the average ones just do backup vocals, and the fat one is the one wailing away nonstop.
The Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) Fighter
I like designer clothing. Metrosexual as it may sound, the clothes look better, feel better, and fit better... for most people. Ever since MMA fighters started wearing a bunch of designer shirts, they've become the dress-code for wannabe tough-guys everywhere. It doesn't help that Affliction Clothing now owns an MMA league itself. I always see guys with huge guts hanging out wearing Affliction shirts that are a couple sizes too small. These guys look like they belong in a bra and pregnant-lady dress, not a tight designer t-shirt. Strangely, they're usually the douchebags who walk into a room and think they are the toughest, hottest thing within reasonable distance. Why is that?
The Healthy, Beautiful One
To be honest, I'm not sure if people like this are even real. You only see them on shows like Maury Povich. These fatties are loud, rude, and full of false-confidence. These are the fat women who point at the skinny girls and say,"YOU are unhealthy and disgusting. I am a healthy, beautiful woman!" The audience erupts in loud cheers, then boos the skinnier, more-attractive lady who has volunteered to be ridiculed by a bunch of worthless tubbyfucks. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say except,"Are you fucking serious...?"
The Doctor
If you met for the first time with a personal trainer, and he had volcano tits and Buddha's gut hanging out, you wouldn't exactly trust him. Why is it any better when fat doctors and health advisors come out and give advice on how to eat/live healthy lifestyles? They'll die of a heartattack before I could kill myself by overdosing on Filet-O-Fishes, so what the hell do they know about my health? These ones are plain absurd.
Does being tubby make you delusional?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Lost in Translation
When Leo and I get bored, we start typing random song lyrics to each other like two fat homos would. Today, I started typing a song to him in Korean. He doesn't have a very solid grasp of the Korean language, but he did recognize the song I was typing...
Leo: What is he saying anyway? After that line?
Leo: "In my spirit, I'm stuck to you..."?
Me: "From the bottom of my heart..."
Leo: Good translation.
Leo: I think mine is more romantic.
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