The United States government now owns 36% of Citigroup.
There go the free markets.
Did I not say it would come to this?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Fun with Mom
My mother has a million dogs. She volunteers with a non-profit organization that rescues dogs from crazy owners/situations, nurses them back to health, then puts them up for adoption to dependable families. It's admirable stuff.
Because of this little hobby, she's always at the vet's office, shelling out big money for dogs that nobody else would give a crap about. One of the more recent dogs she's currently fostering apparently has come down with a bit of a rash, and she wanted to know if it was contagious. Unfortunately, her English isn't very good, so I have to explain a lot of words to her.
The following conversation is in KOREAN, EXCEPT for the parts in BOLD.
Mom: This dog has a skin problem. Some kind of rash. How do I ask if the other dogs can get it too? Is it transferable?
Me: No, contagious.
Mom: How do you spell that?
Me: C-O-U-N-T-A-J-E-S
Mom (after thinking for a little while): You asshole!! I know that's not how you spell it!!! I'm not THAT bad!!
Because of this little hobby, she's always at the vet's office, shelling out big money for dogs that nobody else would give a crap about. One of the more recent dogs she's currently fostering apparently has come down with a bit of a rash, and she wanted to know if it was contagious. Unfortunately, her English isn't very good, so I have to explain a lot of words to her.
The following conversation is in KOREAN, EXCEPT for the parts in BOLD.
Mom: This dog has a skin problem. Some kind of rash. How do I ask if the other dogs can get it too? Is it transferable?
Me: No, contagious.
Mom: How do you spell that?
Me: C-O-U-N-T-A-J-E-S
Mom (after thinking for a little while): You asshole!! I know that's not how you spell it!!! I'm not THAT bad!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Signatures
Does it really even matter what your signature looks like? I sign however the fuck I feel like it on whatever occasion, and I've never been questioned about it. Sometimes I'll draw a little heart in place of my signature. Usually, I just say my name really slowly in my head while I scribble a line. When it's done, it resembles a little sperm cell on the paper. Nobody could ever figure out who I really was from my signature.
I envy people with cool signatures. I don't know how they do it. Do they practice? I've tried practicing mine, and it doesn't really help. I wonder if banks will give me shit about my signature some day, like try to insist that one of my retirement accounts isn't mine.
Real men don't write pretty anyway.
I envy people with cool signatures. I don't know how they do it. Do they practice? I've tried practicing mine, and it doesn't really help. I wonder if banks will give me shit about my signature some day, like try to insist that one of my retirement accounts isn't mine.
Real men don't write pretty anyway.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wrong Place, Wrong Time
Today, I decided to grab a smoothie for lunch. During the entire trip to Juice It Up and back, I was chatting with my girlfriend via AIM on my phone.
... On the way back, I had to type a particularly long message, so I placed my smoothie on top of a newspaper machine and began typing away with both hands. I was interrupted by a couple coworkers who gave me an awkward "hello..." with a strange look on their faces as they walked by. Only after sending my last message and retrieving my smoothie did I realize that I was standing right next to (and face-to-face with) an L.A. XPRESS machine. For those of you who don't know, L.A. XPRESS is a free publication in L.A. that essentially advertises prostitutes ("escorts", if you will). The machines are bright red, and can be found all around the Los Angeles area.
FML.
... On the way back, I had to type a particularly long message, so I placed my smoothie on top of a newspaper machine and began typing away with both hands. I was interrupted by a couple coworkers who gave me an awkward "hello..." with a strange look on their faces as they walked by. Only after sending my last message and retrieving my smoothie did I realize that I was standing right next to (and face-to-face with) an L.A. XPRESS machine. For those of you who don't know, L.A. XPRESS is a free publication in L.A. that essentially advertises prostitutes ("escorts", if you will). The machines are bright red, and can be found all around the Los Angeles area.
FML.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Taco Tuesdays
Who came up with the idea of Taco Tuesdays? At least in Southern California, almost every Mexican restaurant has some special on tacos every Tuesday. I wonder if there's some cultural significance to it? I could use a taco or two today.
Also, my girlfriend told me I smell like tacos. So... I guess I smell like tacos.
Also, my girlfriend told me I smell like tacos. So... I guess I smell like tacos.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Disorders/Diseases I call bullshit on...
Sometime last year, mothers of disabled children everywhere were outraged at a nationally-aired radio show host's claim that 99% of children with autism simply needed a dad to slap them and tell them to stop acting like a retard. I can't seem to find the article now, but I'm not making this shit up. And while it's fairly offensive to many, I can't help but agree to some extent (of course).
Sure, there's a good amount of "evidence" to "definitively prove" the existence of autism. But autism, as a disorder, is a state of mind. By pampering an autistic child and treating him "differently", some parents (though surely not 99%) only fan the flames of a disorder that may be "cured" by simply teaching the kid to act normally in a social setting.
... And that there was a somewhat serious introduction to a lot of offensive bullshit I plan to write. Below is a list of some "disorders" that I call bullshit on.
Bipolarism
Don't we all have mood swings? How do you clearly define certain swings as normal, and others as bipolar? People use "I'm bipolar" is an excuse to be a bunch of selfish little bitches. It's PMS for a week out of every month for women. Bullshit.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder)
This should be renamed to Beingthefatkidinclasswithnofriendsism. When you keep jumping between "identities", and possibly engage in conversation with various identities within yourself, you've simply gotten so lonely and bored that you only have yourself to talk to. You make up friends in your head, and since nobody would be a friend with a huge loser like you, you have to act out their part too. Go visit a chatroom, idiot. Bullshit.
Anorexia
This is called having a different taste in beauty. The same way fat people don't like being told they have a problem, some of these so-called "anorexic" people like the way they look. Hell, being stick-thin is better than being a huge fatty who looks like they were raised inside a gigantic KFC tub. Bullshit.
Any drug-dependence "disorder"
This concept was probably thought up by people who themselves had substance-abuse problems. It's a retarded way to make a crackhead seem like a helpless victim rather than, well, a fucking crackhead. It only encourages crackheads to keep up their habits, since they can fall back on the excuse that they simply have a "disorder". Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Sure, there's a good amount of "evidence" to "definitively prove" the existence of autism. But autism, as a disorder, is a state of mind. By pampering an autistic child and treating him "differently", some parents (though surely not 99%) only fan the flames of a disorder that may be "cured" by simply teaching the kid to act normally in a social setting.
... And that there was a somewhat serious introduction to a lot of offensive bullshit I plan to write. Below is a list of some "disorders" that I call bullshit on.
Bipolarism
Don't we all have mood swings? How do you clearly define certain swings as normal, and others as bipolar? People use "I'm bipolar" is an excuse to be a bunch of selfish little bitches. It's PMS for a week out of every month for women. Bullshit.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder)
This should be renamed to Beingthefatkidinclasswithnofriendsism. When you keep jumping between "identities", and possibly engage in conversation with various identities within yourself, you've simply gotten so lonely and bored that you only have yourself to talk to. You make up friends in your head, and since nobody would be a friend with a huge loser like you, you have to act out their part too. Go visit a chatroom, idiot. Bullshit.
Anorexia
This is called having a different taste in beauty. The same way fat people don't like being told they have a problem, some of these so-called "anorexic" people like the way they look. Hell, being stick-thin is better than being a huge fatty who looks like they were raised inside a gigantic KFC tub. Bullshit.
Any drug-dependence "disorder"
This concept was probably thought up by people who themselves had substance-abuse problems. It's a retarded way to make a crackhead seem like a helpless victim rather than, well, a fucking crackhead. It only encourages crackheads to keep up their habits, since they can fall back on the excuse that they simply have a "disorder". Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Wall-EO
I'm sure you're getting sick of Leo conversations. I don't really give a F.
Me: I feel like going out for a crazy drive.
Leo: No.
Leo: Shut up.
Leo: I ordered Wall-E to watch on Saturday [Valentine's day], with that special someone.
Leo: Then I realized, I have no one.
Leo: If you go for a drive.
Leo: I'm going to watch it right now.
Me: Good threat.
Leo: Blu-Ray.
Me: I feel like going out for a crazy drive.
Leo: No.
Leo: Shut up.
Leo: I ordered Wall-E to watch on Saturday [Valentine's day], with that special someone.
Leo: Then I realized, I have no one.
Leo: If you go for a drive.
Leo: I'm going to watch it right now.
Me: Good threat.
Leo: Blu-Ray.
What a Tease
So my girlfriend is celebrating her birthday in Vegas. Leo says he's looking for plans for the weekend...
Me: Okay you're in.
Me: Vegas.
Leo: Serious?
Leo: If you're serious, I'm coming.
Leo: I just want to gamble all weekend.
Me: Hahahahahaha no. Owned.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Leo: Wow.
Leo: Peace.
Me: Okay you're in.
Me: Vegas.
Leo: Serious?
Leo: If you're serious, I'm coming.
Leo: I just want to gamble all weekend.
Me: Hahahahahaha no. Owned.
Me: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Leo: Wow.
Leo: Peace.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Torture
I believe firmly in torture. If some guy tried to bomb your house, with your family still in it, wouldn't you want to tie him down and give him hell? Or if one of them knew of a plan to rape and kill your daughters, wouldn't you do whatever it took to get that information out of him?
During last year, the so-called waterboarding "scandal" took the nation by storm, with all kinds of hippie-fuck tit-heads up in arms about the fair treatment of our nation's enemies. To be honest, I never quite understood what the big fucking deal was. In fact, I think waterboarding is a total pussy way to torture somebody.
Here are some of my ideas, with my own super names for each...
Thermomedick
You tie down the terrorist and force his eyes open. Then, you take a thermometer, dunk it in a bunch of lube, and shove it into his dickhole. Yes, his dickhole. Then, you break the thermometer while it's still inside his dick. Finally, you watch him to watch tons of pornography. Nonstop.
Webbed toes
You strap down the feet of the terrorist to a wooden board. Then, you stab a knife between each of his toes, with the blades parallel to the direction of the slit between the toes. Then, you slowly begin to twist the knife, so that the blade becomes increasingly perpendicular, spreading the toes apart and digging into the sides of each.
Party popper nuts
Start by punching two holes through the terrorist's nutsack. Then, put a piece of durable yarn or fishing line through one of the holes, and out the other. Let the nutsack heal up, with the string still going through it. Then, grab both ends of the string and yank downwards swiftly, causing the nutsack to tear. Let it heal, then repeat the entire process.
Supersoaker
Clamp down the terrorist's dick. Hard. I mean TIGHT. Then force him to drink copious amounts of fluids. And leave him like that. Unfortunately, his bladder will eventually burst and he'll die like that. Still, it'd be fun until that point.
Enema of the state
Shamelessly ripped this one from the title of a Blink 182 album. Basically, it's like an enema, which, though uncomfortable, is good for you, right? Wrong. Instead of a cleansing solution, I'd use a mixture of habanero peppers and tabasco. Shoot it up the asshole, let it fall back out. Repeat. Again and again and again. Maybe throw a little on his dick for good measure.
During last year, the so-called waterboarding "scandal" took the nation by storm, with all kinds of hippie-fuck tit-heads up in arms about the fair treatment of our nation's enemies. To be honest, I never quite understood what the big fucking deal was. In fact, I think waterboarding is a total pussy way to torture somebody.
Here are some of my ideas, with my own super names for each...
Thermomedick
You tie down the terrorist and force his eyes open. Then, you take a thermometer, dunk it in a bunch of lube, and shove it into his dickhole. Yes, his dickhole. Then, you break the thermometer while it's still inside his dick. Finally, you watch him to watch tons of pornography. Nonstop.
Webbed toes
You strap down the feet of the terrorist to a wooden board. Then, you stab a knife between each of his toes, with the blades parallel to the direction of the slit between the toes. Then, you slowly begin to twist the knife, so that the blade becomes increasingly perpendicular, spreading the toes apart and digging into the sides of each.
Party popper nuts
Start by punching two holes through the terrorist's nutsack. Then, put a piece of durable yarn or fishing line through one of the holes, and out the other. Let the nutsack heal up, with the string still going through it. Then, grab both ends of the string and yank downwards swiftly, causing the nutsack to tear. Let it heal, then repeat the entire process.
Supersoaker
Clamp down the terrorist's dick. Hard. I mean TIGHT. Then force him to drink copious amounts of fluids. And leave him like that. Unfortunately, his bladder will eventually burst and he'll die like that. Still, it'd be fun until that point.
Enema of the state
Shamelessly ripped this one from the title of a Blink 182 album. Basically, it's like an enema, which, though uncomfortable, is good for you, right? Wrong. Instead of a cleansing solution, I'd use a mixture of habanero peppers and tabasco. Shoot it up the asshole, let it fall back out. Repeat. Again and again and again. Maybe throw a little on his dick for good measure.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Bad Grammar
I'm a grammar Nazi. I'm not quite sure when I became one, but at some point during my college career, I decided that I'd be a major grammatical snob. Here are some common mistakes that annoy the fuck out of me.
Unnecessary apostrophes
Just because a word end's with the letter 's' doesn't mean that there need's to be an apostrophe in it. This show's that, not only are you an idiot, you go out of your way to be an idiot.
"Your" in place of "you're"
If your trying to say "you are", you should type "you're". If you don't know the difference, your an idiot.
"Then" vs "than"
Angers me for similar reasons as "your" vs "you're". You know I'm smarter then you, so than maybe you should listen to me.
Sentences with NO punctuation
sometimes people and im not going to name any names but some people like to type long boring sentences but they dont use periods or commas and it makes the other people say hey what does that even say lol oh i guess its also because there are no parentheses or quotation marks even haha but then after you read a couple times you might finally get it even though sometimes it takes a few minutes and youre all like i dont get it and youre like wtf why cant you just type punctuation marks sometimes i swear its so annoying lol sometimes i even get work emails like this and die a little bit
Look, if you're older than twelve, it's time to pay attention to what you're typing. Re-read your sentences and see if your old grandmother would understand what's being said. Unless said grandma is old and senile, in which case I guess you can't really do anything about it.
Unnecessary apostrophes
Just because a word end's with the letter 's' doesn't mean that there need's to be an apostrophe in it. This show's that, not only are you an idiot, you go out of your way to be an idiot.
"Your" in place of "you're"
If your trying to say "you are", you should type "you're". If you don't know the difference, your an idiot.
"Then" vs "than"
Angers me for similar reasons as "your" vs "you're". You know I'm smarter then you, so than maybe you should listen to me.
Sentences with NO punctuation
sometimes people and im not going to name any names but some people like to type long boring sentences but they dont use periods or commas and it makes the other people say hey what does that even say lol oh i guess its also because there are no parentheses or quotation marks even haha but then after you read a couple times you might finally get it even though sometimes it takes a few minutes and youre all like i dont get it and youre like wtf why cant you just type punctuation marks sometimes i swear its so annoying lol sometimes i even get work emails like this and die a little bit
Look, if you're older than twelve, it's time to pay attention to what you're typing. Re-read your sentences and see if your old grandmother would understand what's being said. Unless said grandma is old and senile, in which case I guess you can't really do anything about it.
Words Men Shouldn't Use
Often times, a dude will utter a word so unbelievably feminine that you can't even focus on anything they're saying. You immediately fixate on that one word and wait for a good moment to interrupt and say,"Wait, wait, wait... Back up a bit there. Did you just say _____?"
Words like...
Supple - Reminds me of a fat-man's nipple.
Tender - Fat peoples' guts/skin.
Precious - Makes you say,"Aww" and then promptly mentally castrate yourself a tiny bit for saying it.
Delicate - Something can be "soft", "fragile". It shouldn't be "delicate".
An alternative word for all of these is "weak". Whenever you feel like saying anything faggy, just say "weak" instead. Your toughness goes up several notches.
Words like...
Supple - Reminds me of a fat-man's nipple.
Tender - Fat peoples' guts/skin.
Precious - Makes you say,"Aww" and then promptly mentally castrate yourself a tiny bit for saying it.
Delicate - Something can be "soft", "fragile". It shouldn't be "delicate".
An alternative word for all of these is "weak". Whenever you feel like saying anything faggy, just say "weak" instead. Your toughness goes up several notches.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Fat Stalkers... In Hawaii...
In a couple months, my girlfriend and I are headed to Hawaii for what I'm expecting to be a pretty wicked short vacation. I decided to rub this in Leo's face...
Me: Snorkeling in Hawaii. With Sylv. I win.
Leo: I'm going to be there.
Leo: Creeping.
Leo: Until you decide to dive deep.
Leo: Then I won't be able to follow you.
Me: Why not?
Leo: Because my tubby/overly-buoyant body will keep me from diving down as well.
Leo: Picture it.
Leo: Me just struggling.
Me: Snorkeling in Hawaii. With Sylv. I win.
Leo: I'm going to be there.
Leo: Creeping.
Leo: Until you decide to dive deep.
Leo: Then I won't be able to follow you.
Me: Why not?
Leo: Because my tubby/overly-buoyant body will keep me from diving down as well.
Leo: Picture it.
Leo: Me just struggling.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Status Updates
Some peoples' status updates annoy the shit out of me. Now, I'm sure we're all guilty of doing some of the below once or twice; but some people just take that way overboard. Here are some incredibly stupid status updates...
Inside jokes
They're usually not funny. They're not really cute either, probably not even to you or the other person(s) in the know. In fact, the rest of the world thinks you're some kind of sexual deviant, since that's the only logical explanation. For example: "_____ is LOVING superstar glitter clam chowder! LOL!!!!" Well fuck you too, pervert.
Smileys
Some people are too cool to write status messages to begin with. In fact, all they ever put on their status messages are little smileys. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? The sad part is, I bet these people actually make the damn faces in their smileys while they're typing them.
Holy failure
Despite being a huge jerk, I like to think that I'm a man with a tiny bit of religious background. What annoys me is seeing "friends" of mine throw up a Bible verse one day, a misinterpretation of another verse the next day, and then "Friday night = I GET FUCKED UPPPP!!!" the day after that. Not quite sure what these douchebags are trying to pull off, but fuck them.
Attention-whoring
Some people crave attention so bad that they purposely leave their status messages completely open-ended. For example: "_____ can't wait..." Wait for what, dickwad? That might be an interesting detail, wouldn't you think? Is it any surprise that usually the only people who respond are the two people who already know what in the world you are talking about? Why not use social-networking to be, you know, social?
Refusal to update
If you're going to update your status message, you should do the part where you actually update. "Cardinals are going all the way!!" is no longer a valid status message, since they are not, in fact, going all the way. Or if you say,"_____ is feeling a bit down...", then maybe you should update so that the rest of the world doesn't see that message a month from now and assume you're being super suicidal.
Personal messages
We get it, you love your girlfriend. In fact, you can even write that you're in love in your status message. But when your status message says,"_____ is I LUV YOU SO MUCH BABY *MWAH*!!!!", then you're kind of a little faggot (or a she-faggot). Maybe you should tell her that in person. Or pick up the phone and call her. Or hell, send her a private message if you're that into social networking. Would you send your girl/guy an e-mail and CC your entire address book? I don't think so, so why the fuck would you write a love letter in your Facebook status? Oh right, you're a fucking queer, that's why.
Inside jokes
They're usually not funny. They're not really cute either, probably not even to you or the other person(s) in the know. In fact, the rest of the world thinks you're some kind of sexual deviant, since that's the only logical explanation. For example: "_____ is LOVING superstar glitter clam chowder! LOL!!!!" Well fuck you too, pervert.
Smileys
Some people are too cool to write status messages to begin with. In fact, all they ever put on their status messages are little smileys. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? The sad part is, I bet these people actually make the damn faces in their smileys while they're typing them.
Holy failure
Despite being a huge jerk, I like to think that I'm a man with a tiny bit of religious background. What annoys me is seeing "friends" of mine throw up a Bible verse one day, a misinterpretation of another verse the next day, and then "Friday night = I GET FUCKED UPPPP!!!" the day after that. Not quite sure what these douchebags are trying to pull off, but fuck them.
Attention-whoring
Some people crave attention so bad that they purposely leave their status messages completely open-ended. For example: "_____ can't wait..." Wait for what, dickwad? That might be an interesting detail, wouldn't you think? Is it any surprise that usually the only people who respond are the two people who already know what in the world you are talking about? Why not use social-networking to be, you know, social?
Refusal to update
If you're going to update your status message, you should do the part where you actually update. "Cardinals are going all the way!!" is no longer a valid status message, since they are not, in fact, going all the way. Or if you say,"_____ is feeling a bit down...", then maybe you should update so that the rest of the world doesn't see that message a month from now and assume you're being super suicidal.
Personal messages
We get it, you love your girlfriend. In fact, you can even write that you're in love in your status message. But when your status message says,"_____ is I LUV YOU SO MUCH BABY *MWAH*!!!!", then you're kind of a little faggot (or a she-faggot). Maybe you should tell her that in person. Or pick up the phone and call her. Or hell, send her a private message if you're that into social networking. Would you send your girl/guy an e-mail and CC your entire address book? I don't think so, so why the fuck would you write a love letter in your Facebook status? Oh right, you're a fucking queer, that's why.
Monday, February 2, 2009
More Bullshit White-People Fads
Previously, I called bullshit on Soy and Green Tea.
I'm tired, so I'll keep it short and sweet. Here are some more things I call bullshit on.
Pomegranate
First of all. These things look f'ing gross. Like a bunch of little insectoid alien larva burrowed inside an onion. Secondly, pomegranate tastes like shit. I rest my case.
Acai
It's just a fucking berry. White-people are so quick to jump on a new foreign product and all the claimed benefits.
Wheatgrass
Grass? Seriously? This is the most WTF thing ever.
I'm tired, so I'll keep it short and sweet. Here are some more things I call bullshit on.
Pomegranate
First of all. These things look f'ing gross. Like a bunch of little insectoid alien larva burrowed inside an onion. Secondly, pomegranate tastes like shit. I rest my case.
Acai
It's just a fucking berry. White-people are so quick to jump on a new foreign product and all the claimed benefits.
Wheatgrass
Grass? Seriously? This is the most WTF thing ever.
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