Me: I feel like playing some football.
Me: Remember when we played at the beach and I killed you?
Leo: Uh, no.
Leo: I remember you specifically announcing with bewilderment...
Leo: That I was the fastest player on the field.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Fat and Therefore Sober
"Sarang" is a girl's name. Figure it makes the story a little funnier...
Sarang: What is your ass DOING?
Me: Yelping.
Me: You?
Sarang: Nothing.
Sarang: Let's drink!
Me: Drunk?
Sarang: I drank a bottle.
Sarang: But I'm sober.
Sarang: Cause I'm fat...
Sarang: Don't put that on your blog.
Me: Oh. Good idea.
Sarang: What is your ass DOING?
Me: Yelping.
Me: You?
Sarang: Nothing.
Sarang: Let's drink!
Me: Drunk?
Sarang: I drank a bottle.
Sarang: But I'm sober.
Sarang: Cause I'm fat...
Sarang: Don't put that on your blog.
Me: Oh. Good idea.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Grammar does grammar wrong
Quotation marks really piss me off. Many times when I use them, I'm fully aware that I'm improperly using them. Yet I refuse to use them "correctly".
Notice what I did just there. Using proper American-English grammar, the format should have been as follows:
Yet I refuse to use them "correctly."
See how I placed the period AFTER the close-quotation mark? That's technically incorrect, but logic definitely states otherwise. Why should the closing quotation mark go OUTSIDE of the entire sentence? "Correctly" is still a part of the sentence I'm constructing. And, as far as I can tell, the three logical separators for sentences are periods, question marks, and exclamation marks. Quotation marks do not separate sentences.
It gets even worse when question marks are thrown into the equation.
Both of the following display proper punctuation...
1) Sometimes I wonder,"Are you a fag?"
2) Are you what one would call a "fag"?
Notice that, in the first case, the sentence feels incomplete. I feel like there should be a period at the end, cluttered as it may look, in order to establish that the sentence (which happened to contain a quoted question) is in fact complete. Building up logically, the quoted question is a piece of the sentence as a whole. The piece is complete in and of itself, but the sentence is not. Maybe that's the programmer geek in me talking.
In the second case, the question mark is placed outside of the quotation marks, as the entire sentence is a question, not the portion in quotes. Looks good to me, but now this doesn't agree with the very first example, where the period is placed within the quotation marks. Where's the fucking logic in that?
Retarded."?."=])
Notice what I did just there. Using proper American-English grammar, the format should have been as follows:
Yet I refuse to use them "correctly."
See how I placed the period AFTER the close-quotation mark? That's technically incorrect, but logic definitely states otherwise. Why should the closing quotation mark go OUTSIDE of the entire sentence? "Correctly" is still a part of the sentence I'm constructing. And, as far as I can tell, the three logical separators for sentences are periods, question marks, and exclamation marks. Quotation marks do not separate sentences.
It gets even worse when question marks are thrown into the equation.
Both of the following display proper punctuation...
1) Sometimes I wonder,"Are you a fag?"
2) Are you what one would call a "fag"?
Notice that, in the first case, the sentence feels incomplete. I feel like there should be a period at the end, cluttered as it may look, in order to establish that the sentence (which happened to contain a quoted question) is in fact complete. Building up logically, the quoted question is a piece of the sentence as a whole. The piece is complete in and of itself, but the sentence is not. Maybe that's the programmer geek in me talking.
In the second case, the question mark is placed outside of the quotation marks, as the entire sentence is a question, not the portion in quotes. Looks good to me, but now this doesn't agree with the very first example, where the period is placed within the quotation marks. Where's the fucking logic in that?
Retarded."?."=])
Monday, March 16, 2009
Wedding Buddies
Since he's a good friend of mine, I told Leo that I want him to be one of the groomsmen at my wedding. His response...
Leo: Good.
Leo: I want you to be the groom at my wedding.
Leo: Good.
Leo: I want you to be the groom at my wedding.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Salted Cashews
Despite whatever creepy thoughts you came up with, this post is literally about salted cashews. I fucking love them. Cashews look like weirdly-elongated granny-breasts. Or I guess kind of like a fat little curvy dick. And they taste like nutty sex. Nutty granny-tit sex.
When I was a little boy playing Street Fighter II, I always picked Guile. This was because: 1) He had wicked cool hair, 2) He was clearly the playboy of the group, and 3) Sonic Booms look like little cashews spinning really fast. Or Chun Li, because I swear you could momentarily see her goodies when she was kicked to the ground. And I wanted to put my cashew in that.
When I was a little boy playing Street Fighter II, I always picked Guile. This was because: 1) He had wicked cool hair, 2) He was clearly the playboy of the group, and 3) Sonic Booms look like little cashews spinning really fast. Or Chun Li, because I swear you could momentarily see her goodies when she was kicked to the ground. And I wanted to put my cashew in that.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Kid Actors
I hate kid actors. Even the ones who are pretty good. For example, when Dakota Fanning was a little girl and everybody was ranting and raving about how amazing she was, I wanted to throw dead rodents at her face. I think it's something about the fact that kids shouldn't sound as intelligent as she always does. It's like those old people who are trapped in kid-size bodies: gross.
Obviously, I also hate the ones who can't act. The entire cast of the Narnia series comes to mind. I only saw the first film, and I wanted to seriously kick all those kids in the cunt. Like a real cool video-game kick: I'd slide across the floor like I'm doing a modeling/break-dancing pose, then raise my foot up into the cunt, sending the little brat flying into the air. (I think one of the characters had a kick like that in the Sega Genesis series Streets of Rage.) If I was Mr. Tumnus, I would have turned around and kicked that little girl's ugly teeth out with my hoof. Then shit on her while she was down.
More annoying kids (I refuse to look up their real-life names):
- The kid who played young Anakin Skywalker. That kid had like Down's Syndrome or something.
- The dude from the Home Alone series. Yes, I know his name, I just don't know how to spell it. Back in college, I was working as a server/bartender to get by. He showed up for a private party we hosted for Sarah Michelle Geller's birthday. He sat in the corner like a little queer drinking Sapporo by himself. He made a huge fuss about Sapporo being better than Kirin or Asahi, then had absolutely no fucking clue that we ran out of Sapporo halfway through the night and he'd been drinking Kirin all along. What a tool. I should have kicked him in the cunt.
- That kid in Free Willy. The fucking whale put on a better performance than he did. And it's a fucking WHALE.
- That Harry Potter kid. To be honest, I haven't even seen a Harry Potter movie, but that kid just looks like a little queer. Wait, is he even a kid? Or is he one of those gross old dudes in a kid body? Either way, he's a little weirdo.
- Every single kid in every single toy commercial. They're all future sluts and drug-addicts.
Yeah, fuck kid actors.
Obviously, I also hate the ones who can't act. The entire cast of the Narnia series comes to mind. I only saw the first film, and I wanted to seriously kick all those kids in the cunt. Like a real cool video-game kick: I'd slide across the floor like I'm doing a modeling/break-dancing pose, then raise my foot up into the cunt, sending the little brat flying into the air. (I think one of the characters had a kick like that in the Sega Genesis series Streets of Rage.) If I was Mr. Tumnus, I would have turned around and kicked that little girl's ugly teeth out with my hoof. Then shit on her while she was down.
More annoying kids (I refuse to look up their real-life names):
- The kid who played young Anakin Skywalker. That kid had like Down's Syndrome or something.
- The dude from the Home Alone series. Yes, I know his name, I just don't know how to spell it. Back in college, I was working as a server/bartender to get by. He showed up for a private party we hosted for Sarah Michelle Geller's birthday. He sat in the corner like a little queer drinking Sapporo by himself. He made a huge fuss about Sapporo being better than Kirin or Asahi, then had absolutely no fucking clue that we ran out of Sapporo halfway through the night and he'd been drinking Kirin all along. What a tool. I should have kicked him in the cunt.
- That kid in Free Willy. The fucking whale put on a better performance than he did. And it's a fucking WHALE.
- That Harry Potter kid. To be honest, I haven't even seen a Harry Potter movie, but that kid just looks like a little queer. Wait, is he even a kid? Or is he one of those gross old dudes in a kid body? Either way, he's a little weirdo.
- Every single kid in every single toy commercial. They're all future sluts and drug-addicts.
Yeah, fuck kid actors.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Want to type faster?
I recently discovered the TypingTest.com add-on for Facebook. I've been obsessed with trying to pull out the fastest error-adjusted words-per-minute as possible. Currently, I'm at 129wpm. Leo managed to pull a 143wpm, which is damn impressive. There are all-time and current-week leaderboards shown on Facebook...
Leo: I'm #33 of all time I think.
Me: You're #2 for the week.
Me: I'm #9. Hahaha. That's sad.
Leo: Ultimate.
Leo: It's from all my gaming.
Leo: Not even joking.
Leo: My ulti-fast typing is from WoW (World of Warcraft) and other WoW-like games I've played for the past... 12 years?
Leo: You have to be able to talk shit really fast.
Leo: While running away.
Leo: I'm #33 of all time I think.
Me: You're #2 for the week.
Me: I'm #9. Hahaha. That's sad.
Leo: Ultimate.
Leo: It's from all my gaming.
Leo: Not even joking.
Leo: My ulti-fast typing is from WoW (World of Warcraft) and other WoW-like games I've played for the past... 12 years?
Leo: You have to be able to talk shit really fast.
Leo: While running away.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Don't Trust Ugly People
They say that you shouldn't marry somebody too good looking, because that person may end up leaving you for somebody else. I beg to disagree.
Good-looking people have a natural sense of confidence. They know they're physically desirable, and they don't need to prove it. Good-looking people are used to getting attention, so they know how to turn it away. When in a healthy relationship, they can easily block advances from other individuals - even those who they may consider objectively more attractive than their current mates. They don't think, "I can do better" and dwell on it. But they also don't think,"I can't do any better." They just don't think about it. They're happy.
Many ugly people lack confidence. We live in a society that places high value on physical appearance and we act accordingly. (Side note: If you don't agree, you need to lay off the hippie-pipe and face reality. If an incredibly obese individual and Prince Charming both walk into the same store at once, you can bet Prince Charming will immediately earn a little more respect. It's fact, live with it.) Because they're less attractive, ugly people don't get the attention and advances that their better-endowed counterparts encounter regularly. When in a relationship, they assume that they can't do any better. Even worse, ugly people assume they'll never attract another individual, period - regardless of whether or not they're better looking than their current partners. This leads to a problem: even while in a happy relationship, an ugly person is more receptive to attention from others. They're quicker to accept a pickup line and allow more inappropriate conversation rather than say,"I'm flattered, but I'm in a very healthy relationship right now." An ugly guy will leave his girlfriend of ten years just because some new girl comes along and tells him she's attracted to him. An ugly person is more desperate to feel beautiful.
Ugly people place far more value on attention to themselves. It's that much more meaningful to them, and they have a really hard time giving it up. Attractive people can easily brush it away, as they get enough attention already. Thus, better-looking people have less incentive to be disloyal simply because a new piece of ass crosses their path. Better-looking people make better partners.
Summary:
The ugly people have got to go.
Good-looking people have a natural sense of confidence. They know they're physically desirable, and they don't need to prove it. Good-looking people are used to getting attention, so they know how to turn it away. When in a healthy relationship, they can easily block advances from other individuals - even those who they may consider objectively more attractive than their current mates. They don't think, "I can do better" and dwell on it. But they also don't think,"I can't do any better." They just don't think about it. They're happy.
Many ugly people lack confidence. We live in a society that places high value on physical appearance and we act accordingly. (Side note: If you don't agree, you need to lay off the hippie-pipe and face reality. If an incredibly obese individual and Prince Charming both walk into the same store at once, you can bet Prince Charming will immediately earn a little more respect. It's fact, live with it.) Because they're less attractive, ugly people don't get the attention and advances that their better-endowed counterparts encounter regularly. When in a relationship, they assume that they can't do any better. Even worse, ugly people assume they'll never attract another individual, period - regardless of whether or not they're better looking than their current partners. This leads to a problem: even while in a happy relationship, an ugly person is more receptive to attention from others. They're quicker to accept a pickup line and allow more inappropriate conversation rather than say,"I'm flattered, but I'm in a very healthy relationship right now." An ugly guy will leave his girlfriend of ten years just because some new girl comes along and tells him she's attracted to him. An ugly person is more desperate to feel beautiful.
Ugly people place far more value on attention to themselves. It's that much more meaningful to them, and they have a really hard time giving it up. Attractive people can easily brush it away, as they get enough attention already. Thus, better-looking people have less incentive to be disloyal simply because a new piece of ass crosses their path. Better-looking people make better partners.
Summary:
The ugly people have got to go.
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