Waterfree Urinals

On my most recent trip to our local movie theater, I came to the unfortunate realization that "water free" urinals suck. For those of you unfamiliar with them (weirdos, women), water free urinals are free-standing toilets that do not flush. Instead, your piss just kind of dribbles into a flattened-nipple-looking receptacle and is thus drained from the bowl into some weird filtering chamber and further onward into the drainage pipes.

Here is a link.

Now, I'm not sure if these toilets, other than the filtering mechanism, are different from your standard urinals; however, I do suspect that there is some extra layer of water-proofing applied to the entire bowl to make it "extra slippery". After all, no water's going to fall to clear off your piss, it just has to clean itself.

Therein lies the problem...

I pissed three times during my trip. Once before the movie, once during the movie, and once after. Urinary incontinence, maybe? Any way, each time I noticed something at once absolutely disgusting and completely annoying. These toilets, perhaps because of the extra coating, cause your urine to splash back in a fine mist, all over your shorts and even down to your feet and lower legs. Now, most males have mastered the art of hitting the toilet bowl at the perfect spot and angle to minimize splashing and spraying; nobody can really explain it, but somehow you just know where you need to aim to piss without looking like you nut yourself. But I firmly believe that this toilet cannot be tamed. Each time, I tried various stances, distances, targets, and angles to fix the back-spray problem, but each time to no avail. The end result was always my exposed shins being directly hit with tiny little droplets of my own urine bouncing off the back of the urinal wall. Then came the awkward soap & water rub-down in the middle of a movie-theater restroom shared with a couple dozen other men of varying ages. They were probably thinking,"Dirty Asian dude has to shower his legs at the movie theater..."

Next time, I'll be like one of those insecure-about-dick-size guys and pee in the standard stalls if given the choice between those and these water free urinals.

Year One

Some friends were in the mood for a Sunday afternoon movie. It hit nearly a hundred degrees in some areas around here today, so what better to do than escape to the cool, dark, and air-conditioned viewing room of your local theater?

Unfortunately for us, our local movie theater did not have Drag Me To Hell, which I've been told is an excellent movie. Neither of us are particularly interested in watching Transformers 2, so we settled for Year One.

Worst fucking mistake ever.

I hate Jack Black. He's a fat, lazy excuse of a comedian who has yet to make me actually laugh (ever). I mean it. I have never laughed at a Jack Black line or joke. He tries way too damn hard, and he's way too damn ugly. Fuck Jack Black.

Naturally, he made Year One an absolute trying-too-hard borefest. And no, Michael Cera's performance did not do anything to save it. Three people out of five in our party fell asleep, I left for ten minutes about three-quarters of the way through to play a rigged Stacker machine, and the last guy let out a hearty "FUCK that movie" in front of a million five-year-olds who had just finished watching Disney's Up.

Seriously, that was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The only one that beats it is Snakes on a Plane.

Yeah, it was that bad. Do NOT go watch it.

Free Iran?

On a Friday-night drive through Studio City, CA, I noticed several protesters walking up and down Ventura Blvd. This isn't exactly unusual for Southern California, especially in that neck of the woods. And, as usual, there were a couple people holding signs rather irrelevant to the rest of them.

In the mix of "Leave Iraq!"s, "NO MORE WAR!"s, "Bring our soldiers home!"s, I saw a few saying "FREE IRAN".

Umm, free Iran? Last I checked, we weren't holding Iran hostage. Unless I'm missing something here, I'm assuming that these signs are an appeal to Ahmadinejad himself. Are these people retarded? Why the fuck would he pay any attention to a couple retarded protesters in a country he has absolutely no compassion for? These people seriously need to get a fucking clue. Get a fucking job, read some real news, get educated. Fast.

Another funny point... I love how, during Bush's presidency, half of these signs would have his name and/or picture with some disparaging remark. Bush was to blame for all of this... And Obama was supposed to be the big change. Right. Now these people don't even know who they hate. Probably themselves, for voting Obama's lies into office. Let's face it people: war is a fact of life. I hail Obama for not being stupid enough to actually go pulling our troops out of the Middle East in a frantic attempt to win public appeal. Bait 'n' switch.

... Am I a prophet?

Okay, so... in the past couple of days, I wrote about Michael Jackson and Charlie's Angels (Farrah Fawcett being one of the original trio)...

... Today, both of them died.

What the fuck...?

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson is a walking contradiction. He's white, he's black, he's a child molester, he just loves children, he's just too many things at once. This much is obvious. But what I've noticed is a disconnect in the public's perception of his music as well.

When you're driving down the street, windows down and enjoying the open air of a warm California evening, you'd probably get at least a few awkward stares if you were blasting one of MJ's greatest hits. When's the last time you heard somebody playing Beat It, or Billie Jean while driving down the street? Exactly, you probably never have. And if you did, you probably thought the guy was a total creeper, much like my fat friend Leo.

Now, you've just past Leo on the street and had a great laugh with your friends about how much of a creeper he is. You arrive at your destination, a club. You're out on the dance floor, getting your groove on with a fat chick who's gotten progressively cuter as you got increasingly drunk. Suddenly, Billie Jean starts playing. The whole crowd roars in approval, as if everybody is trying to make sure that they've established to all the other club patrons that they do, in fact, know Billie Jean. You, too, raise your drink in the air like a huge douchebag and scream,"OHHHHH!!" and begin a horrible, shuffle-foot rendition of the moonwalk.

So... what the fuck changed? Why is it okay to be excited about Michael Jackson music in a club, but taboo to show interest when in a less casual setting? I call bullshit on anybody who scoffs at Michael Jackson's music, ever. His music was the hottest shit - possibly even the best available since the birth of... well... music.

When did the Ford Taurus become sexy?

From the moment I saw the concept, I found myself at a loss for words...

Here we have a remarkably fucking sexified car, and yet it's a fucking Ford Taurus. For 2010, the new Ford Taurus went from Rosie O Donell to Jessica Alba, naked. Performance numbers aren't impressive, but I doubt anybody buys a Taurus for performance. Go read about it on Edmunds or Road & Track if you care.

Seriously, this car is just plain beautiful...

"Would all the fat people please move to the back of the plane?"

In British news today, 71 people refused to fly on an airplane owned by Thomas Cook airlines after being asked to move around in order to facilitate a necessary shift of weight on the plane after a cargo door failed and caused an unbalanced airplane. According to a spokeswoman for the airline, this is a "routine industry procedure" and they are "disappointed that despite reassurances from the captain and crew, a number of passengers decided not to travel."

Okay lady, would you fucking fly on a plane where you need to act as a human ballast in order to survive? Routine industry procedure, huh? I have never had a captain walk out and tell people to move to certain areas of the plane because it is unbalanced -nor have I heard of such an incident before. How about, instead of being desperate to save as much money as possible, you work on fixing your damn airplanes? If you can't get a fucking cargo door open, what'll that tell the passengers about the condition of the rest of the plane?

You Might Be A ______ If...

You know what I hate? Those fucking "You Might Be A _____ If" lists...

These lists are never fucking funny, and they generally contain so much vagueness that anybody would classify as the "____" in discussion. I might be a UCLA Bruin if I wait until the last minute to run across campus to get to my final exam? Good one, dipshit; now tell me how that's at all specific to UCLA students. I might be Korean if my parents demand I be a doctor or lawyer? Right, because no other fucking race has come to the realization that these career paths generally come with huge paychecks.

What the fuck is the point of these lists? Who even enjoys reading them? People who have no real friends and thus want to feel like they belong to something? The writers of the lists themselves, who've clearly convinced themselves that they've cleverly disguised their self-promoting agenda with what they believe passes for humor?

Worse still, all these lists have some kind of OMG-PLEASE-FORWARD-THIS-MESSAGE-NOW-clause included at the end. Are there that many men out there who can't figure out that they're a member of the male gender without reading a "You Might Be A Dude If..." list? Tell me: how many fucking lists do you have to read to figure out who the fuck you are?

Here is my version of the list:


You Might Be A Dude If...

1) You have a fucking dick.


Yeah, I think that'll do it.

Charlie's Angels

After reading my entry about ugly actresses, a coworker noted that I probably hated Charlie's Angels, as both Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz played main characters...

... This led to another coworker asking,"Wait, who was the third girl again?"

... And that led to this masterpiece.

Picture of the Day?

This is a picture found on The Wall Street Journal "Pictures of the Day" section. It depicts U.S. Marines firing mortar rounds at a nearby Taliban base in Afghanistan.

Now, to clear up any confusion, I fully salute our soldiers fighting for the good of our nation.

But I have to say...... nice shorts, guy.

Al-Qaeda, Taliban, and Who-The-Fuck-Was-That?...

A Taliban leader in Pakistan was shot today, possibly by one of his own. As I was reading the linked article, I started realizing something: I completely neglect to actually read the names when reading stories about Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and other terrorists. I think I've become so tongue-twisted and confused at the names that my mind automatically refuses to read them. In fact, even if I read the name, I can't recall who the fuck I just read about immediately after finishing the articles. I mean, does anybody really stay on top of these names? So many 'm's, 'k's, and 'h's. Whenever I read any of these headlines, I translate to "Senior Taliban official Mhumakhammakamkumemid Samehakhamoomukmuhkhan reported dead in Pakistan."

I wonder if non-Asians feel the same way about Asian names? Hell, even I get confused at Asian names too. Like how almost all Korean names are three syllables long, with only a dozen or so choices for the first syllable. I find myself reading news about Koreans and saying,"Okay, which one was he? The President? The guy who plays the asshole in that one drama all the girls are crying about? The guy who became a mildly-attractive chick?"

... I'm angry about everything today.

Parenting Fail

Found on Digg...

This is what happens when you fucking suck shit as a parent.

Your daughter becomes an ugly little slut who puts fifty-six fucking stars on her face because she probably thought it would make her look less like a retarded retard.

The story: girl gets tattoos of stars all over the goddamn face, lies to father that she fell asleep and the artist messed up her request for only three stars, finally confesses that she was not asleep - only severely handicapped in the brain.

If this was my daughter, I'd promptly slap her across the face and then throw a shoe at her gut. Then sell her for money to buy condoms so I don't ever make such a bad mistake again.

Not News

Dear Associated Press,

This is not fucking news.

Seriously, there are bigger issues out there in the world, and "Associated Press polling director" Trevor Thompson has nothing better to do than place unsolicited phone calls to ask people if they consider their pets part of their family. If somebody has an animal without the intent to treat it as part of the family in one way or another, they probably don't deserve to have fucking pets to begin with.

... For once, I'd like to open up Yahoo! News and not see a bunch of pointless bullshit aimlessly shit-spewed all over the front page.

Yours Truly,
DudeMind

Famous Women (Who Are Ugly)

I don't have a very specific or particular taste in women, but I do have my peculiarities in opinion. Namely, a lot of mainstream actresses who are supposedly "hot" just do NOT do a thing for me. Actresses such as...

Elisha Cuthbert
This was the pornobitch in Girl Next Door. When I look at her, I automatically focus in on her weird eyes eyebrow line. She looks like some kind of angry tiger on cocaine.

Kirsten Dunst
If you were fucking spiderman, would you waste your time on an ugly bitch like Kirsten Dunst? Ehh, I guess if you were a gay-voiced Toby FaGuire, you might. Seriously, who the fuck did she blow to become famous? She's not even remotely attractive. If Kirsten Dunst offered me a blowjob, I'd promptly kick her in the gooch and walk away. Her face is all fucking swollen-looking, like some kind of squash or pumpkin. And she's got those creepy little teeth, like little alien mandibles from Mars.

Eva Mendez
Looks like a man, period. Apparently she stated in an interview that she was an ugly duckling as a kid. Eva, guess what? You're still ugly as fuck. I seriously want to kick her in the face, because she ACTS like she's the shit.

Paris Hilton
If you're a guy, you've seen naked pictures and/or the video(s) of Paris Hilton. If you're not a moron, you've found yourself utterly disappointed. Here is a woman who goes around acting like she is the hottest thing on earth. But her face looks like a dude's, so you figure maybe her body is amazing. It is not. No figure, tiny little mosquito-bite tits, weird-shaped ass. She's got nothing going for her except a decent pair of legs. And a clam that'll take anything with roughly 43 U.S. Dollars in its pocket.

Sarah Jessica Parker
I seriously would rather masturbate than let Sarah Jessica Parker touch my dick. She looks like a goddamn horse (and not a good looking horse, even). Yet women love her. Why? Because she's the ugly friend that all girls want to have. They all want that one friend who is surely uglier than them, but tries to act way hotter. I'm not sure what the motive is, but women are just shady like that.

Cameron Diaz
Her face looks like it belongs on a much smaller skull. Like she went to some kind of face-printing store, got a face like five sizes too small, then said "fuck it" and stretched it on anyway. Girls appreciate her for being some free-spirited, fun-loving hippie. Yeah, no. Just ugly.

Drew Barrymore
Fat.

Those Slumdog Kids

I'm sick of hearing updates on the lives of those kids from Slumdog Millionaire. I'll give it to them: they put on a pretty good performance - I might even call it charming. But I could care less that they (specifically) are still struggling in the "slums". Don't get me wrong, it sucks that they are living in such poverty; but what about the billions of other people on this planet in the exact same situation? What makes these kids so much more worthy of public attention than the rest of the slum-dwelling kids whose living standards may be even worse off? The public has an unmerited fascination with the "well-being" of these kid actors, but who's needs are they really fulfilling? I'd argue that people don't care so much for these kids as they do for their own need to quell the humanitarian voice in their conscience. By taking a few minutes out of their day to read the latest bullshit news on these kids or talk about "that screaming poop-kid from Slumdog" over a cup of tea, people satisfy their self-righteous, self-serving need to say they "did their part". Does anybody even know the names of these kids? I sure as hell don't. In my mind, the cast of Slumdog Millionaire is: "The pretty one with the Mexican name, the pussyboy, the Michael Jackson-looking older brother, the screaming poop-kid, and those other kids." Yup, I bet you can't recall their names either. So who the fuck are you to throw a fuss about their lives?

I challenge you this: if you really give a shit, how about donating a little bit of your hard-earned money to help the millions of kids that are in the exact same situation?

Swine Flu: The Pictures

Okay seriously, H1N1 (Swine Flu) is not that big of a deal. Today, the World Health Organization declared it a pandemic. What does that do for us, other than causing more people to panic? Well, for one, it gives me random pictures to put stupid captions on. These are all pictures found on Yahoo! News in relation to their coverage of H1N1...

This is the Philippine Health Secretary. And he's apparently doing some sort of swine flu rap.

What better way to scare people than to show Asians wearing face masks? You all remember SARS, right?

This guy won the battle against H1N1 by being too damn cool for it. I don't know how this is at all relevant to swine flu, but it's good to know that at least one photographer out there can make a living taking pictures of random shit like this.

Daddy didn't love the kid in the middle enough to fit his swine flu mask correctly or put him in an actual seat.

This lady apparently thinks swine flu is hilarious. I'm on her side.

This girl has swine flu for sure. Also herpes.

The girl in the second row is scared out of her mind. Her teacher looks like a zombie. With swine flu.

Imagine what this lady was thinking while the cameraman snapped a picture of her: "HOLY CRAP, why did that guy just take a picture of me? Do I have swine flu?!"

This guy looks like Bernard Madoff. And the chick looks like Pocahontas.

When this lady was a kid, her nickname was probably "Swine Flu". She just kind of looks like that.

(Note: These pictures were taken from Yahoo! News. If the rightful owners wish for them to be removed from my site, I will gladly comply. Please contact me at thedude@dudemind.com.)

It's Complicated...

Facebook allows you to select one of six relationship statuses. Most of them are pretty self-explanatory; if you state you're single, you're single. But what does it mean when someone states "it's complicated" or that they're "in an open relationship"?

"It's complicated."
This generally tells you that one or both of the partners is a little slut. They're unable to commit because of their skanky lifestyle, or they were "committed" but ended up cheating. Usually, it's the guy who messed up and caused this status. The two clearly recognize that their "relationship" can only end in complete disaster, but they want all of their mutual friends to know that they aren't dysfunctional, so in the midst of "OMG DID YOU CHEAT ON ME AGAIN?!", they agree to use "It's complicated" as their Facebook relationship status. These people greatly overestimate the level of outside interest in their love lives.

"Is in an open relationship."
Again, one or both of those partners is a little slut. Generally, the girl is the culprit behind this status. She wants to be a little whore, but also kind of "likes" one particular guy because he's willing to be her manbitch. He doesn't like the idea of being in an "open" relationship, but he's too much of a little pussy to step up and demand a little more. He pretends to be okay with the fact that his "girlfriend" is off blowing other guys every day. Instead, he makes the most of it, and he brags to his friends that it's only because he likes having the right to sleep with other women. He hasn't actually slept with any other women (ever). His friends think his "girlfriend" is a hoebag. They're right, because she's proven it to each and every one of them.

Culture Clubs

I don't believe in ethnic/cultural clubs. Whether it's "Asian-American _____" or "Latino _____" or "African-American _____", it's all wrong. I say this because receive a regular e-mail for Korean-group meetings organized informally at my company. I couldn't disagree more with whatever their mission might be. What is their mission, anyway? Unifying Koreans? Promoting Korean pride? Teaching Korean history? Whichever way you look at it, it's promoting reverse-discrimination, and in turn racism. Imagine if some white dude were to create, say, a student group called "Caucasian-Americans at UCLA". Everybody else would be flipping the fuck out. So why is it that anybody else is allowed to do so? Because we're all "minorities"? I call bullshit on that idea/argument. If you want to be treated equal, and not as a "minority", start acting like an equal. By banding together to form an "exclusive" group, you only serve to create further divisions based on ethnicity. What's made worse is that these groups usually do extend membership to the few outsiders who are genuinely interested in the culture, but all too often cause them to feel extremely uncomfortable with race-driven jokes clearly promoting the superiority of their own race and/or the inferiority of all others. It's no wonder that the same people who take membership in these groups are the ones who later feel alienated from the rest of the world based on the color of their skin.

Exploding Slim Jim

A bunch of people are in the hospital after an explosion at a Slim Jim factory in North Carolina. While people being injured on the job isn't funny, I find it hilarious that this happened at a Slim Jim factory. ConAgra Foods, the company that owns Slim Jim, is currently trying to figure out what happened. My prediction: Macho Man Randy Savage had one too many Slim Jims and reach a level of hardcoreness previously unknown to man. This promptly triggered an explosion of awesomeness and questionably-juicy beef.

Mario Kart

I love cars, I love racing, I love video games. That means I naturally love car-racing video games. For the most part, I enjoy all of them. Gran Turismo, Need for Speed, Forza, Cruisin' U.S.A., Rallisport Challenge, Live for Speed... you name it and I can enjoy it.

Except one: Mario Kart.

Mario Kart utterly fails to incorporate the most important aspect of racing games: actual fucking racing. You're leading the race in 1st place, when suddenly the fat fuck in 8th gets some lightning or spiky shell bullshit and runs you over within a matter of three seconds. Then you crash into a fucking twelve-foot tall dildo just wandering around the middle of the desert to limp in a last-place finish. Really, the only way to win is to stay in 8th place until the end of the final lap, then fuck over everybody else with a series of unfair items provided through a rigged algorithm which favors the weak. How annoyingly convenient for people who suck; the ones who actually win are the ones who can't take a single fucking turn without crashing into a wall, running on dirt, or having to be carried back onto the track every eleven seconds by some faggot riding cloud with a fishing pole. Did Obama help design this game?

Fuck Mario Kart.

I think Obama is Jamie Foxx's dad...

... Enough said.

"That White Guy"

It's odd, but so many white guys out there seem determined to be Asian. I don't quite understand the logic behind it; Asians are held under a glass ceiling, considered unathletic, and are generally accepted to have the smallest dicks. Regardless, plenty of white guys seem to want nothing more than to be Asian. For example...

The Sushi Servers
Go to any modern sushi joint, and you'll find a token white guy running around. This guy tries overly hard to fit in with his Asian counterparts. He refuses the use the English names of the fish on the menu, instead electing to massacre them in Japanese. He tries very hard to win the favor of the Asians around him, but to little effect. He doesn't quite realize that he's been hired to deal with white customers (only). He thinks he's going to become a bigshot actor one day, and he verbalizes this regularly to his coworkers. They secretly mock him in a language he cannot understand.

The Anime Freaks
These guys dress up in homoninja costumes or other weird shit like that, and they run around yelling random lines they heard in their 47th viewing of the Naruto series. Sometimes, fat white guys will even dress up as their favorite female anime characters. They all talk in high-pitched anime voices and don't seem to realize that they make little to no sense, or alternatively, that Naruto has not given them a solid grasp of the Japanese language. These guys also watch cartoon porn. Tons of it. With like alien ninja demon rapists and such. And yes, phallic tentacles.

The Travellers
These white guys are usually older, and they're always condescending pricks. They've had the opportunity to visit an Asian country or two, and those trips have made them self-proclaimed experts in art of being Asian. They'll walk into an Asian establishment,and promptly preach to the workers about their trips to Asia. They talk in an "I'm talking English... Do you understand English?" tone, and this tone doesn't drop, regardless of how English-fluent the Asian workers actually turn out to be. They'll describe the Asian customs as if describing a trip to Narnia. Meanwhile, the Asians give a polite smile, while thinking,"No shit, Pastey, I only spent roughly 100% of my life being fucking Asian."

The Martial Artists
There are some amazing Caucasian fighters who trained under Asian teachers. But they lose all credibility when they start paying their respects in slaughtered Japanese before and/or after a fight. They carry on this facade, as though their martial arts experience has changed their inner soul. In reality, they know as well as we do that they have the same mentality now as they did going into their training: "Man, I totally want to kick some ass and get some pussy!"

Other examples are numerous, but I should get back to actual work...

Kanye West

I hate Kanye West, and for once I bet all of my readers (yes, both of you) will sympathize. Kanye is an egotistic moron who comes up with some of the most ridiculous lyrics ever. The sad part is that he clearly believes he's writing some really clever and deep stuff. Below are a few examples of the poopsmear that he calls rapping...

"... Tell me now, can you make it past your caspers? So we can finally fly off into NASA..."

(Opening line to Kanye West's verse in Knock You Down by Keri Hilson.)

First of all, what the hell is a casper? Am I just way behind on street lingo? I figured I'd look it up on Urban Dictionary, and the results don't give me any better of an understanding as to what this line's supposed to mean; but using the various offered definitions, you can come up with some hilarious interpretations of this line. Secondly, NASA is a fucking institution, not a place, you moron. You can't fly "into" NASA. Unless you're some kind of twisted Jihadist planning on bombing NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C.; I suppose that would explain a lot of the anger towards white people.

"... Maybe, do you remember when fireworks at Lake Michigan?"

(Final Chorus in Homecoming.)

Is this even a sentence? There's clearly a word or two missing in this sentence. If you start a question with "do you remember when...", you're supposed to finish it with a past-tense clause describing some activity. You can't just throw in a random noun phrase and call it a day, you retarded retard. Kanye, do you remember when fishsticks?


"... I'm just sayin', come home Mona Lisa, you know you can't roam without Caesar..."
(Verse in Flashing Lights)

Har har, I get it... it's a play on words, like "roam" versus "Rome". On one hand, almost clever. On the other, fuck you and no.