If you're like every slightly-better-off-than-broke American adult, you have at least a couple friends who are self-professed wine fanatics. You go to a bar and order a beer. They one-up your ass by ordering a glass of wine. At dinner, you ask if there's a full bar. They pretentiously ask for a wine list. You bring a bottle of Scotch to a party. They bring an obscure bottle of I've-never-heard-of-that-shit-ever, wrapped in like shimmery pink cellophane.
Clearly, you see how I feel about wine. But that doesn't change the fact that, every so often, even I get sucked into an unwanted conversation about it. Hell, I don't even have to be a part of the conversation; sometimes I just have two douchebag friends who'll put on a whole show and waste a good ten minutes out of dinner... The thing about wine drinkers is that as much as they loved being seen in a positive light based on their supposed love for a "classy" drink, they love to judge you for enjoying your Heineken with your burger. But fear not, as your favorite Dude has got you covered...
Every wine drinker worth his salt has some bullshit story about "that one bottle of wine" they had on some gay winery tour back when they disappeared for a few months and then suddenly reemerged acting like hot shit. That particular wine was made from grapes picked from The Garden of Eden, hand-pressed by angels, and taught them the meaning of life (also, love, the universe, peace & war, the economy, the Middle East, etc). In fact, it's so fucking amazing that, oh right, it's way too ultra rare for you to ever find again. When engaging a friend/colleague in a conversation about wine, be ready for this story, because it starts right when the first few rounds of drinks starts kicking in. Make sure you have an even better story to tell. Pick an arbitrary year when the wine was bottled, pick a random location where this winery is located, and then make up a bullshit name for the wine. It also helps to describe the amazing company you were with - just make sure it can't be verified. Instead of describing an imaginary trip with a real-life mutual friend, say you were traveling with a gorgeous European that you met one day while scuba diving (yes, you scuba dive). The beauty is that nobody ever knows what anybody else is talking about when it comes to wine. The point of the conversation is to make up the most surreal and rare-sounding bullshit you possibly can. It helps to develop some further back-story about how you're always searching for that one bottle of wine, but can never find it. That way, you've established that nobody can technically prove you're lying, and you also seem like an ultra-cool prick who does pretentious shit like sit around browsing a thousand bottles of wine every time you stop to pick up Altoids at Whole Foods.
Again, the great part about these conversations is that nobody can really prove you wrong. Having a conversation about wine is having a who-can-make-up-the-most-arbitrary-bullshit contest. Don't worry about names, just make them up as you go along; if you're stuck, make up a word in your head, then pronounce in like a really weird accent. Lie like your life depends on it. Don't let your conscience or morals get to you. Remember: the other guy's doing it too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
